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Single Men in the Church: Where My Boys At? [Part 1]

May 9, 2012 by 26 Comments
{Editor’s Note: Single guys are in the minority in many of our churches today, and it doesn’t seem to matter how big the church is or if it has a singles ministry or not. This is the first in a series of occasional posts created to dialogue about what single men in church have been experiencing in a variety of congregations.}

 

I've got the lady friends on lock down, but the guys...notsomuch.

Despite the fact that “Thank U” by Alanis Morissette makes a strong bid for my top ten favorite songs ever, anything from Metallica’s The Black Album could also easily be in the conversation. I often feel like I’m a walking contradiction.

My eclectic tastes in music carry over into my friendships. The sports jerseys in my closet and naked walls in my bachelor pad reek of the quintessential man yet I’ve always possessed a natural ease at cultivating platonic relationships with girls.

A sample of what I encounter after church on Sundays:

“Hi, Brandon!” [Side hug]
“WBH!” [Side hug]
“Hey! Brando!” [Side hug]

Between double dipping in separate co-ed life groups during the week and attending at least one service every weekend, my (church-appropriate) love bucket is never empty. I’ve got the Friend Zone on lock down with a large contingent of eligible, single ladies. I’m okay with that.

Mentions of Ryan Reynolds’s physique and Aunt Flo notwithstanding, I’ve always enjoyed spending platonic time with females as an escape from some of my gender’s need to turn “Guy Nights” into a hot-blooded woman hunt or masculinity test. My machismo is secure and I feel no desire to turn dinner into an arm wrestling contest.

Despite all of the wonderful things they add to my life, the truth is: Until the day I find myself staring into a pair of eyes behind a veil, every female friendship I make is for but a season of life. What I truly desire is brotherhood. Yet, despite this fact, chances are you’ll find me surrounded by women on weekends. I’d like to attribute this to my irresistible charm and dashing good looks…

Like any good mother, Mom called me a few weeks ago and voiced her concern about my lack of man time lately, and I simply replied,

“I can hang out with girls at church, or I can hang out with men in bars. You decide.”

She didn’t have to think long.

I’ve begun to approach my life with the attitude that I am the King’s man. I’m about His business. I fall short daily, but there is nothing apart from Him that can quench my thirst for meaning and fulfillment. Why wouldn’t I want to spend the majority of my time with men of the same conviction?

I know guys who are close friends who profess to be Christians; I have others I love and I would give my life for if only because I honestly don’t know if the rest of their eternity would be spent in Heaven. But, as a single man professing that I want to learn how to love Jesus more than I love myself and truly mean it, it’s become increasingly difficult to find many similar single guys in the church.

Yes, it’s a broad brush to paint the social landscape of the entire church but it’s rooted in my own reality in a megachurch. The King’s men who are not only single and childless but also proficient in social situations and can sit down and thoroughly enjoy a burger, a beer, and a football game…where are they? It’s constantly a game of extremes. Guys tend to be either so spiritually minded that they’re no earthly good, or their love for Jesus only exists long enough to find a cute girl at church to prey on.

However, if a man whose station in life mirrors mine (30, never been married, no kids, employed, enjoys sports/man stuff, chooses to go to bed early Saturday to get up early Sunday, and loves Jesus) shows up to our singles group, he is probably a week away from having a girlfriend, six months away from engagement and has very little time for me. They’re rare and rarely stick around, bound for domestic bliss and couples dates. Who can blame them?

There aren’t words to describe how thankful I am for the friendships that I’ve been afforded with people in all stages of their walks with the Lord. I am richly blessed with amazing friends. However, those occasional weekend nights when the church girls are out doing whatever they do and my other friends are out doing what I used to do, those naked bachelor pad walls get lonely.

For years my family, my church and my inability to find someone worth pursuing were the loudest reminders of just how single I am. Today, my singleness seems all the more challenging because it feels like until I am one half of a couple I am less likely to find men in church with convictions of my own.

 

*Photo credit: Tony Crescibene

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About W. Brandon Howard

Since he has yet to achieve his childhood dream of becoming an astronaut veterinarian, Brandon has worked for the past 3 years as a health insurance agent. He's a fledgling foodie with a penchant for making a mess in the kitchen or on himself and a sports enthusiast with a tendency to get really excited at the mere mention of "Texas Rangers." His guilty pleasures include cherry cream Dr. Pepper's from Sonic and driving an hour to his parents' house to nap with their two shih-tzus. In 2012, Brandon asked his friend, Carrie, to coffee, except he forgot to tell her it was a date, and he wore way too much cologne. They will be married in the summer of 2013, proving God really does perform miracles. You can follow Brandon on Twitter @WBrandonHoward.

  • http://twitter.com/virtualstowaway Jonah Stowe

    I had a very similar experience in college while attending a mega-church. Although I did eventually meet and marry a wonderful woman who shared my faith, it wasn’t through a church fellowship group but at graduate school. I’m so glad to see this series, because the challenges facing single men in churches are often overlooked.

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Thanks, Jonah. Agreed. We felt like it was an issue overlooked from the guy’s perspective but something that would probably inspire a lot of discussion so I’m glad it resonated with you.

  • http://sayable.net/ Lore Ferguson

    Thanks for the man view on this. I hear from a lot of girls saying “there aren’t a lot of good guys in the church,” but it’s rare to hear the guy’s perspective on that. 

    For what it’s worth: every weekend I’m really amazed at how many guys are at my church. It feels like the girls are the minority where I am (and yet they still complain…can’t win…).

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      I appreciate your sly attempt to get me to come to your church, Lore. ;-P

      • http://sayable.net/ Lore Ferguson

        What? And risk the wrath of single Gateway women everywhere? No such doing. You bloom where you’re planted, good man. 

        However, if you want sports, beers, & Jesus talk, Village is where its at, yo.

        • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

          And you’re saying this overabundance of men consists of single, childless, 28-35 inidividuals that have social skills?

          • http://sayable.net/ Lore Ferguson

            I didn’t say that, but I would say that, yes. Single, childless, sports loving, beer drinking, Jesus talking, 28-35 individuals with social skills. 

  • megsaklutz

    I facilitate the singles ministry at my church, and have felt bad for my guy friends for this exact reason!  As soon as we seem to get a few “normal” guys, they move away or get into relationships and are never heard from again.  Or, they get tired of waiting for the promised “more guys will come, I swear it” that they always hear from me and move on somewhere else.  ::sigh::  

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      I’ve thought about hiring attractive christian female models to pose as members of our group that play hard to get but will never actually go on dates with any guys so as to keep them around and interested, but block them from throwing rings on fingers and disappearing. Until of course I throw a ring on a finger and then it’s not my problem anymore…

    • Mhutch897

      It seems to be the opposite problem with our guys. We have some amazing Godly men, and Godly women. Most of the girls would date a good 2/3 of the guys in that class in a heartbeat, but the guys are looking for what equates to a Christian Victoria’s Secret Model. The girls that our guys typically go for tend to think they are way above our guys.

  • http://twitter.com/MikeMinyard Mike Minyard

    You may have just sold me on joining the singles group at church.

  • http://www.sundijo.com Sundi Jo Graham

    Wish there were more men in the church like you, then maybe us single chicks wouldn’t have such a hard time finding a Jesus following leader. 

    On the naked apartment walls, there’s always Pinterest ya know :)

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      I think Pinterest would be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back of being saturated in social media for me so I’m going to try my best to resist…=)

  • Benjamin Rhodes

    Is the problem SINGLE guy friends, or is it good guy friends with whom you can find common ground? Even though I’m a married man, I found much of what you wrote common to both married and single men. Yes, there are more married men in the church than single, but I’ve had to search hard and long for ones with whom I can find common ground. More than a few of those have been single.

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Well, I have lots of married friends and I’m thankful for them. But single dudes need good single dudes to hang out with. As a single dude (writing for ‘Single’Roots), I can best write from my personal perspective and from what I’ve seen, there is a significant lack of men in my exact station in life that are faithfully showing up to and serving in church. So that’s what I write about.

  • sarvigirl

    Glad girls are not the only ones going where the heck are the single, childless men with social skills. . .who may want children someday. .. 

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      It’s a major trend across the church landscape no matter where you live I think. There are exceptions…but it does seem to be prevalent which is why we felt like it was a good discussion to have. Thanks for the input!

  • Katie Hodas

    You’re exactly right. Why are social skills so hard to come by for some people and especially in church? Not sure how we got them and others didn’t. :)

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      I think it’s natural magnet for people who have experienced hurt and hurdles in their social lives. If we’re to be the body of Christ and we’re NOT attracting people who feel that it’s the only place they can go and be accepted, I think that’s a huge indictment that we as Christians aren’t being Christ-like. I am so glad my church is filled with people that from a wide background of experiences and hurts, but I feel like the one color in that wide hue that seems to be scarce is the man that mirrors my background.

      • Katie Hodas

        Good points, no doubt.

  • http://twitter.com/diggs808 David Stone

    I’ve noticed that all the single 22-30-ish guys in my church all tend to head over to youth ministry.  Not saying that its a bad thing, but I know that I don’t have a calling in that area so I’m not involved with it.  Unfortunately, I see a lot of cliquish behavior from that group which makes it very very difficult to seek friendships with them.  Fortunately, there are more guys now who aren’t involved in youth ministry than there have been in the past…but it’s still pretty thin.  

  • Kim

    Where can I meet someone like you?  I read your posts with great pleasure.  You speak the truth!  As a female (38) who has not met a guy like you describe, I wonder where they are.  Do you think church has become too touchy-feely so guys aren’t interested?  What can the church do to attract more godly men who ARE of earthly good?  I want one of those kind.  If he liked camping, bicycling & hiking, and loved to laugh, that would be a bonus!

    I am not a feminist, but I always thought if a woman feels she has the gift of teaching, then let her teach.  However, I read somewhere that male teachers are more apt to attract other males.  Do you think that’s true?

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      In my experience, and I stress that because I’m certainly not the final word, I think guys just want to be doing other stuff than going to church. Most of them went as kids and it was a stand-up-sit-down-turn-around-quote-the-verse type of ceremonial routine that left them with very little takeaway other than it was another hour of their life that they would never get back. I do think some ways it can be more touchy feely than some guys like. I certainly wish I had the formula to make it more attractive to my gender…

      Speaking from personal experience, I can be taught by a female but I like being taught by a male. Shared gender experience helps plus its just easier to submit to a male than it is to a female.

  • http://memoirsofanamazon.wordpress.com/ racheAl

    I actually know the answer to this:  I’m pretty sure, like geese flying South for the winter (Or is it North?  I guess it depends on where you live.  I’m bad with directions), there has been a massive migration of men, who fit your description, that have moved to Seattle to go to Mark Driscoll’s churches.
      (http://marshill.com/) (No joke.  I knew a guy here who literally moved to Seattle for that specific reason.)

  • jack

    Well as a single guy many of us get chewed up and spit out by an economy where we are not valued. We get targeted by spoiled office women who target us for wrath and “are always right ,”and feared by the boss who placates them and then screws us. We get accused of being gay, accused of every problem that comes up (always the mans fault) and then in church we are looked at with suspicion because we are single. Men figured out that even in church – we are viewed as a threat if we are single. Congratulations, you won the war.

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      You could be right.