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Let’s Talk About Porn

January 14, 2013 by 43 Comments

My first sample of pornographic material appeared while I was browsing late night TV the summer after my 8th grade year. What was happening in front of me was shocking, yet I kept changing the channel and then coming back to it, unable to fight the allure of discovering the true form of a woman for the first time.

I discovered when I was 17 years old there were limitless temptations to be found online and seemingly no repercussions to follow. Even after dealing with my parents discovering pornography on the computer, the temptation was too strong and I learned one thing: Don’t get caught. Like so many other addictions in my life, I struggled in secret for years.

I spent a week this past summer at a Christian camp and roughly 90% of the middle and high school boys I counseled looked at me at some point and confessed their heart was heaviest because of their inability to say “no” to one temptation.

Likewise, in serving with many men at church, I’ve been a confidant and prayer partner through countless situations but nothing more prevalent or commonly accompanied with heavy-hearted embarrassment as one thing: Porn.

It doesn’t seem to matter how we’ve been raised or who we profess as Savior. An addiction to pornography is a massively prevalent disease of lust nearly all men are now crossing paths with at some point in life, and the immediate temptation in the church is to hide it away in shame as something nobody else could understand.

Additionally, many clergy choose to steer clear from an associated matter, often still too taboo to discuss from pulpits. For whenever we’re discussing pornography, we’re also addressing masturbation. The combined effect of these issues creates an addictive blend of physical, mental, and spiritual dependency.

It is absolutely crucial the church collectively support a public, grace based dialogue in conjunction with the availability of confidential, Christ-centered, informational support on pornography, masturbation, and all associations of lust.

Men, it’s easy to spend a few minutes satisfying our desires and walk away from our laptops feeling not only did we get away with it, but we’re not hurting anyone.

We must stop lying to ourselves.

Do you honestly believe repeatedly satisfying the deeply primal need of sexual connection through an outlet completely contrary to God’s design doesn’t thoroughly wreck your mind and re-program your desires?

The entire female gender have had to pay severe consequences. Your girlfriend or wife will, too.

Ladies, I ask for forgiveness and every bit of grace you can muster. Pornography’s temptation and powerful draw appeals to us at a level we feel completely unable to avoid at times. The minute we begin to say “yes,” its magnet grows into something indescribable and truly spiritual.

It is crucial to the matter women begin to commonly address pornography and lust with their boyfriends and husbands. Do so in a loving and understanding way, no matter the response. This is perhaps the largest battle a man may face in his lifetime, whether you understand it or not.

Obviously, I can’t speak to this issue for females, but it would be shortsighted to act as if it is only a problem among men. Porn’s visual stimulation is precisely configured to fascinate a man’s mind, but has staked a claim to a growing number of women’s private lives. There is perhaps no clearer proof of just how pervasive this obsession is than by examining the growing number of women who are now reported as viewing porn regularly.

In my life, victory over the battle with lust has come about only recently. I can never let my guard down and believe I won’t be tempted. Achieving a sustained victory has been the product of attaining daily triumph.

In other words, we win the battle when we realize we don’t ever get to stop fighting it.

It’s my intent to encourage a continuous healthy dialogue and vulnerability surrounding pornography amongst believers. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and spiritual forces of evil. We must tackle every weapon of the enemy, no matter how uncomfortable it is momentarily.

The battle will not be won if we approach it as individuals. However, as one loving body in the name of Christ we can overcome.

For more help:

Let’s face it—Anything you can’t walk away from is an addiction, an idol. If you are struggling to break free from pornography, both XXXChurch.com and X3watch.com are great resources to help you in the fight. Bottom line: You can be free.

 

Photo credit: christianywes

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About W. Brandon Howard

Since he has yet to achieve his childhood dream of becoming an astronaut veterinarian, Brandon has worked for the past 3 years as a health insurance agent. He's a fledgling foodie with a penchant for making a mess in the kitchen or on himself and a sports enthusiast with a tendency to get really excited at the mere mention of "Texas Rangers." His guilty pleasures include cherry cream Dr. Pepper's from Sonic and driving an hour to his parents' house to nap with their two shih-tzus. In 2012, Brandon asked his friend, Carrie, to coffee, except he forgot to tell her it was a date, and he wore way too much cologne. They will be married in the summer of 2013, proving God really does perform miracles. You can follow Brandon on Twitter @WBrandonHoward.

  • Jessica

    Great article! I’m glad to see more discussion about this topic than has been seen or heard from the church in the past. And you’re right; this isn’t just a “man”s issue any more…women are also finding themselves struggling with the temptation of clicking on an inappropriate website (often times it is fictional reading rather than watching videos, although that is also a temptation)
    Thanks for sharing!

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Jessica – Thanks for reading and saying so!

  • Tanairi

    Great
    writing!!!

    Is good to know we
    can support one another that’s why is very important to have a small group or Christians friends to be
    accountable with in order to overcome this, you’re right not only men struggle with
    porn so many woman too (Every woman’s Battle is a nice book on this matter and others) but men have more
    pressure to be into it; I look up to all my male friends cuz I know is not easy,
    so proud of them for being faithful and wait on God

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Agreed. No matter what temptation we’re discussing, if it’s a true temptation then accountability, grace, trust, and transparency is key.

  • pkm

    Thanks for sharing! An issue not spoken of in the church but so needed. I’m sharing this so that people will not be ashamed and feel they can work through this!

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Absolutely – thanks for sharing!

  • http://www.sundijo.com Sundi Jo Graham

    Great post. Pornography was embedded in my mind at the age of 6. Through sexual abuse and being forced to watch it at times as a child, it has taken a toll on my life. Thank you for being so honest.

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      And thank you for your input as always, SJ. :)

  • JackP

    Interesting post, but I believe it suffers from the same issues that the discussion, as a whole, suffers inside the church.

    Dealing with “lust” or “temptation” alone are symptoms, not causes. If you’re going to have any hope of fighting the chemicals in your brain and your body (that God installed), then you must have a clear understanding of sexuality as a whole, it’s role in a regular life, and some idea about what a vibrant sexuality looks like for those in the community of faith. Sexuality is driven from a cocktail of chemicals in our bodies that we will never really “have victory” over, rather, we can hope to wisely manage them in ways that are socially and spiritually beneficial.

    One big obstacle to this is that the church, as a whole, has no consensus on what its point of view about sexuality is. It can give you a string of prohibitions, but after that it begins to stutter and look at the floor. Which would be like trying to have a discussion about the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel by describing the painting techniques that were NOT used in painting it. Not only will you fail to describe even a single meaningful thing about it, you will have completely missed communicating the essence of what it is, in reality, and why we should care about it.

    The fact is, there is a vibrant and, at times, almost scandalous sexuality in scripture, and little fear of the naked human form. In fact, a lot of early Christian art includes nudity. The disconnect between all of these things is something that the modern Church must wrestle with in a relevant way. Clearly, though, even our method for facing these issues is broken. And it is unwise to expect anything but the Guilt-Promise-Fail-Repent-Guilt cycle that has beaten down millions of sexually mature believers for centuries if our methods do not improve.

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Thanks for reading, Jack.

    • Ryan Stubblefield

      JackP,
      Thanks for the comment. I agree we have a “Guilt-Promise-Fail-Repent” epidemic happening among Christians on the topic of pornography. I would love to hear what methods you’d recommend to the church to help believers stop this cycle.

      • JackP

        A few things, none standing alone, all requiring context, and all forming a type of “woven cord” methodology to begin addressing the issue.

        1. Communities of faith need to define a point of view about what “vibrant sexuality” actually means for Christians. And their ideas must be relevant–they have to matter to real people. This is step one in defining the thing itself, and not simply creating a “fabric of prohibitions” and expecting that to guide and define behavior for real people.

        2. The church must face and address the reality of nudity and the biological chemicals of sexuality. I attended churches that told art students and nurses to think twice before entering those programs because of the likelihood of encountering nudity. That sort of “fear of form” is just not going to fly with real people in the real world. Further, attraction and sexuality are governed by chemical responses. Educating about how this works gives people some power over their behavior (understanding it as a physical discipline as much as a spiritual one).

        3. The church must be honest about its position on grace. Either they believe you are powerfully and divinely forgiven for sin or you are not. The church has built in “extra guilt” for issues that surround sexuality, but that dichotomy is not necessarily true when you study sin. All sin is sin. Gluttony or greed deserves the same guilt as struggling with our authentic sexuality. No more, no less. And all are either covered under the agreement of grace, or they are not. But the guilt-promise-fail-repent-guilt cycle is a creation of the church because of the seemingly “super duper” nature of sexual sins. And this may make for powerful alter calls and pulpit fireworks, but when real people get into the real world they end up confused and burnt out by it, often choosing apathy of their faith as it fails to seem a relevant way to engage the problem.

        • EBrown

          Thank you, thank you, thank you! I don’t know you, but I think you are wonderful! Such a rational answer–all of it!

          As an artist and a Christian I find myself constantly trying to explain how a person can see a nude form/draw a nude form/sculpt a nude form, and not be suddenly gripped by lust. God did a wonderful thing when He created us; something we can enjoy as aesthetically pleasing without knee-jerk lust. And yes, our history of non-Protestant, pre-Puritan Christian art is filled with bodies–beautiful REAL bodies (something that many women today would be encouraged to see held up as a role model for the “ideal body”). By hiding all knowledge of human bodies/sexuality with the thought “out of sight, out of mind = no problem,” we create an impossible situation for single Christians existing in our current culture. We honestly think that single, 30-something Christians will continue to accept the rote church answer “worry about sex when you’re married” and plod along, blinders to everything? Ummm, earth to reality? What if I’m NEVER married?!! I think we can look at the statistics for sexually active Christians (actively involved in a church group) for our answer to that.

          And what about how we (the church) ignore women’s normal, healthy sexuality? Middle school/high school/college church groups hammer home (albeit somewhat lacking) sex talks to young men–in their sexual peak–yet entirely ignore single women in their late 20s to early 30s–their sexual prime. We are left thinking, “uh oh, something is WRONG with me!” when the rest of the secular world acknowledges that it is a normal phase in womanhood. Nevermind, the countless Christian women I’ve encountered that think the gynocologist is someone you don’t need to see until you are sexual active. A woman’s sexual health is NOT all about intercourse and delaying knowing/taking care of your body until after a man is involved can put a woman’s health in serious danger.

          The only problem with being rational and straight-forward about sex in a Christian context: being labelled as that “chick that never stops talking about sex.” Sigh…(10, 9, 8, 7 …) I guess if you are the only one addressing it head on, it appears that’s all you talk about.

          • JackP

            Good comments, E. And you highlight an especially pressing problem of the Church’s (and I’m speaking generally by this), but the community of faith as a whole has really shown a remarkable lack of wisdom or bravery in how they have handled addressing women’s sexuality as a whole, leaving many woman ignorant of their own biology, and weakening the foundation of marriages rather than strengthening them.

        • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

          Jack, thanks again for your comments. I didn’t respond because I really didn’t see how it had much to do with what I addressed in mine. Your second comment provided some clarification so I’ll respond. As for what you said:

          -I wholeheartedly agree with #3. You’re right. Sin is sin and the church should treat it as so in dealing with clergy and laypeople. I think I made it quite clear that grace is one of the most essential truths in dealing with pornography addiction. There are certainly plenty of cases where people are treated like pariahs for sexual sin, but I look around and see a much better understanding of grace across the body of Christ than even 10 years ago and, in my humble opinion, I believe you could just as easily find churches that approach it in a Christ-like manner. Therefore, I think it’s easy to get caught up and bitter about the ‘pharisees’ but it’s more productive to continue to encourage a public dialogue on pornography/lust/sexuality instead and celebrate the grace message that is being preached and successfully demonstrated in churches all over the country.

          -There’s still a disconnect in my understanding of #1 and #2 as to how it pertains to the discussion in the original post. Can you clarify? I agree that it’s important to be educated about sexuality whether you’re single or a virgin or otherwise. However, I don’t think anything about a single person’s life should be described as having a “vibrant sexuality.” We have a sexual nature, both before and after marriage. Yes, that comes as a result of what is occurs in the physical mind and it’s good to understand how and why that happens, I agree. Beyond that, is there anything else that you’re trying to say that you can further explain because I don’t see anything Biblical or righteous about having a sexual life outside of marriage but it seems like you’re suggesting that’s possible/necessary.

          -If an art or med student has to view nude material for their profession, that’s between them and God. Personally, I like to listen to Metallica when I work out. Other people feel like Metallica is straight from the pits of hell. In those type of issues, it’s about your convictions and what in your life is pulling you from or pushing you toward righteousness. If you as an art student can appreciate the female form for purely artistic purposes and feel no conviction about that, then I say go for it. That doesn’t mean, however, that you should be surprised if I choose to avoid exposure to that because of the passions and lust that it inflames within me. There’s also a big difference between viewing an 18th century painting of a nude woman and viewing adults engaged in sexual acts online. The bottom line is that this is such a small issue in the grand scheme and because of the high possibility that something might be misunderstood, I really can’t blame any church for choosing to tackle the bigger problems: lust and pornography and educating single people that they should avoid viewing sexual explicit material because of the physical, spiritual, and mental toll it takes on them.

          Do you disagree or am I misunderstanding your position?

          • JackP

            Brandon,

            1. How can you teach about lust, if you do not understand the role and proper expression of sexuality in the lives of people of faith? Pornography addiction and “lust” are symptoms of a deeper struggle, not causes of them.

            2. Many Christians live with a constant anxiety that their attraction (which is common, normal, and God-given) is “lust”. It ends up leading to unhealthy cycles of guilt-repent-promise-fail-guilt. If we believe God is truth, then there is no reason not to face these issues head-on.

            The vast majority of the conversation about sexuality in the community of faith (for singles) is, paraphrased, “Don’t lust, don’t sin, don’t get addicted.” Hardly proper weapons with which to clad a mid 20′s Christian soldier and send him/her into the battlefield with. About as useful as the warning, “You’ll shoot our eye out”, given to the young protagonist in the movie “A Christmas Story”.

            In truth, sexuality is about much more than procreation. It’s also about emotional bonding, acceptance, and deeply ingrained chemical interactions. And research suggests that the vast majority of Christian singles do not, in fact, remain chaste but instead end up in the vicious cycles discussed above. It suggests that, as has been the case through history, that prohibitions alone do not make for a compelling weapon in the face of temptation.

          • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

            Jack…one thing to understand is that my blog post was a broad introduction into the conversation. I try to keep things in the 700-800 word neighborhood so my intention was to break the ice and then perhaps in the future we can pick apart the issue in more detail. I’m all for a thorough education of our spirit, mind, and body and how we interact with the world and the people around us. It’s not my intention by any means to preach “DO NOT LUST! DO NOT VIEW PORN! THAT IS ALL!”, but the point of this post was to throw my hat in the ring of those WANTING a more open conversation on all factors surrounding the topic. It’s not something we’ve discussed much on SingleRoots so it’s the beginning of the conversation, not the end.

            You and I agree on your definition of what sexuality is and we agree that it is useful to understand why we act and react the way we do, as long as it is framed in a Biblical perspective.

            Here’s the question that I’d like you to answer so that I can better understand your position:

            What does a “vibrant sexuality” look like to a single person? Do you think a single person should be engaging in any “expression of sexuality”? If so…why and how do you rectify that with the fact that God’s intention for sex is between one man and one woman committed to each other in marriage?

            I also believe that education is important and beneficial but I don’t think someone having a better understanding of their synapses and neurons is purely going to help them make the right choice when they’re all alone and the thought comes, “Well, maybe just one time.”

            As I stated in my blog, porn DOES re-wire the brain. I think it’s great to understand that but a biology lesson isn’t the bottom line of defense.

            Understanding God’s will and what occurs to us and the people around us when we’re outside of that will along with grace and accountability is what will best aid the fight against lust and porn.

          • JackP

            Well now I think the discussion is becoming a bit more useful, because there is a boiling down to the fundamental questions and obstacles that stand in the way of a discussion of sexuality that matters for real people in real situations (of which porn is a part, and in order to be engaged must be put in proper context).

            As humans, we have brains that seek for information and seek for explanation, and there’s not much use in ignoring these questions and engaging them. The church has been doing so, at it’s own peril, for generations. And in fact, more younger people all over the world (many of them singles) are identifying themselves as “without faith”than ever before. http://www.npr.org/2013/01/15/169342349/more-young-people-are-moving-away-from-religion-but-why)

            Many reasons for this, but among those reasons is the idea that Christian answers and discussions about real life issues are not seen as relevant to real people. And since we believe that Jesus is, indeed, quite relevant, we know that some major share of the blame falls to us in the community of faith.

            So what are the fundamental questions behind that vibrant Christian sexuality?

            1. What is the role of sexuality in the life of people of faith? In what ways is life more enjoyable and healthy, and in what ways does it make our brains crackle with more electricity, in a pleasing way to God, as a result?

            2. What are the connected issues to a healthy sexuality? There are many, and the list can grow, but you can start at: emotional stability, a fuel source for monogamy, family creation, ethical reproduction, and a healthy approach to the human mind and body.

            Pornography deals with many of these issues, in context, when you tease out the effects it has. And this isn’t just the realm of the “married”, as understanding the proper role these things play in a life is one of the few things that actually proves valuable in helping singles delay their sexual desires in trade for better things. But they don’t seek prohibitions, they seek understanding. And the vastly superior prohibitions for affecting behavior come internally, not externally.

            3. What is behind the biological drive for sexuality? What are the sources of attraction and desire, and how can these be managed and channeled productively (you’ll hardly “defeat them”, as God programmed them inside of you and it’s an extremely power part of that design)? If you believe it’s Satan trying to get you to lust, you’re already fighting a losing battle. It’s actually your God-given system attempting to form deep connections, and it must be channeled properly and in a way that is pleasing to God, but that doesn’t mean pretending it does not exist. And acting like “rebuking Satan” is going to kill the drives inside of us is an irresponsible tool to leave to young people.

            Most 20 and 30 something singles hardly want to hear sexual prohibitions from older church members. And it’s not working, anyhow, according the data. Because our systems are in full operation, WINDING UP, not winding down. It doesn’t mean we must give in to temptations or to have graphic discussions that have no relevance. But neither should we ignore the truth and not face the important parts of the discussion.

            4. There is a strong tension in scripture about the role of sexuality. It is both a creative force and a destructive force–the very same thing–depending on how it is channeled. It was the source of art and poetry (Solomon–the wisest man in the Bible), and it was the source of disfigurement of fate (King David). There are no black and white answers about many of the issues contained in it, either (a few, but not as much as we might hope). So for Christianity to be relavent to singles today, it must evolve beyond the realm of prohibitions and instead function at the level of understanding and engagement, providing real tools for channeling and expressing this energy in a healthy and pleasing way until it can be channeled within the bounds of a marriage relationship.

          • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

            Jack you intelligently and eloquently raise many complex and worthwhile questions…but I’m still trying to understand the answer to my original question that I asked you. If I can understand your position on that, I can understand your worldview and better answer your questions.

            Beyond what our biology drives us to do, do you believe singles should be engaging in sexual acts with partners or by themselves or in any expressions of sexuality? If so, how do you rectify that with God’s clearly stated will?

          • JackP

            No, Brandon (to the extra marital question). The pleasing (to God) expression of sexual intercourse, according to scripture, is between one man and one woman within the boundary of a public and authentic marriage commitment.

          • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

            Gotcha. Ok, then…I better understand now. =) What you’re talking about then is a complex, full understanding of our motivations and urges at every level and I agree. The “vibrant sexuality” stuff threw me off a bit as to what your worldview is, but we’re tracking now.

            I can confidently say you have a better understanding of it, sounds like, than I do but I am aware that there are biological and sociological reasons behind what we do and I agree it would be exceptionally beneficial if the church did a more thorough job of explaining that. I certainly don’t have the space in one blog post to even begin to go into that realm nor do I have the expertise to share that would be educational or beneficial.

            I have a long history of “guilt-promise-fail-repent” that would have probably benefited from that kind of information, but what I’ve found is that you can have all the information in the world and still find yourself in a cycle of destructive behavior without a true, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. My intent is to share openly from the simple truths that I’ve discovered through failing countless times because I lacked two vital components: healthy accountable relationships and a daily pursuit of the Son of God. It’s not very deep or complex but I think those are the foundations of healing and righteousness…everything else builds towards a sturdier and more profound education towards that healing.

            Show me a 20 something man who can’t stop the cycle of viewing porn and repenting and then viewing porn and I’ll show you a man who either isn’t pursuing Christ (an understanding what that actually entails) on a daily basis or doesn’t have accountability in his life or both. It doesn’t mean he won’t screw up…I just think cycles prove the foundation is cracked or non-existent.

          • JackP

            And I don’t mean this in any sort of rude or accusatorial way, simply as an observation (tone is hard to determine in writing, so I want to be clear), but simply the fact that someone mentions sexuality in terms that seem positive and productive (vibrant!), not in wording that suggests prohibition or shame, that we have to first and immediately question if they even hold a Christian worldview, it a kind of perfect prototype of the nature of the problem as a whole.

            It is one of the our most cherished illusions in Christianity that by talking in prohibitive language, and about the evils of natural things, that we will inspire the admiration of God and our way of life in others. Or in ourselves.

          • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

            I feel ya. And I agree I probably jumped the gun. I just simply misunderstood what you were saying. I thought you were trying to make the point that it was unrealistic for singles not to be engaged in some sort of sexual act or to view sexual material so instead of resisting we should just embrace a lifestyle of vibrant sexuality (because that is the view that much of the world takes), but I understand now where you’re coming from and I agree.

          • JackP

            No, Brandon (to your question about extra marital sex). The proper expression of sexual intercourse, according to scripture, is between a man and a woman, and within the boundary of a public and authentic marriage commitment.

  • http://www.corynikkel.com/ Cory Nikkel

    Love the title, it sucked me in right away!

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Thanks Cory! We actually spent some time trying to figure out what to call it but figured in the end..let’s just call a spade a spade. =)

      • http://www.corynikkel.com/ Cory Nikkel

        And it was well worth it! I love doing the same thing with my titles, makes you get a few extra clicks when your blunt. Props!

  • Allison

    So glad you wrote this. I think this is an issue that definitely needs more attention and I’m thankful that people are taking a stand and speaking up against it. Great post :)

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Thanks for reading, Allison. We hope to delve further into this in the future.

  • Ty

    I was first exposed to pornography at 10 through a friend showing me a private sex tape of my now friend’s parents. It was quite shocking. As I started into teenagerhood, then I started to find things. It started at one night with late night MTV and HBO, then it came to internet at 13. I have basically been struggling ever since. Now I’m 22.

    Finding your article is simply amazing. It says everything that is necessary. I agree with your idea of starting healthy dialogues about it. I have found that whenever I keep hiding things, the worse this problem gets. Once it is in the light (well everything is exposed before God) and confession happens, the better my chances are of fighting it. I am an absolute advocate of talking this out instead of keeping it silent. Also, accountability is so pivotal. I agree with Taniari.

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Agreed – accountability is pivotal. It’s especially pivotal that we use wisdom in who we pursue accountability with. I’ve found the person/people can make all the difference in being successful.

  • http://www.Misfit4Lyfe.blogspot.com/ Lisa Matthews

    “In other words, we win the battle when we realize we don’t ever get to stop fighting it.” <<<<<<< Now That'll Teach!!!

    Now this is a POWERFUL statement!! And soooo applies to every aspect of our Christian walk.. Giving up porn, putting aside my flesh and not lusting.. I was able to conquer for the most part.. My issue was with depression and succumbing to darkness. Once I became born again and received the baptism of the Holy Spirit.. went so far as to accept the call God had placed on my life.. then I got SUCKERED PUNCHED with depression.. and it took me a YEAR and 3 months to climb out of it because I simply thought.. I had conquered that thing.. It took for me to realize that this was something that I would continuously have to fight against all my life.. and knowing that I have to fight it prepares me for the battle and allows me to continuously walk in Victory over this thing.. For the struggle isn't about flesh and blood, BUT the powers of this dark world, of those spiritual forces of evil that are UNSEEN!!!

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      Thanks for sharing, Lisa. Maybe we need to get you a pulpit…I think you’re ready to preach! =)

  • http://twitter.com/karaoke_lola Theresa Todd

    I have been thinking about this post for several days and don’t usually leave comments, but I felt the need to leave one about your plea for women to offer forgiveness to the men in their lives who are battling/have battled pornography.

    I’ve known many single women (including myself) who’ve said, “I’ll NEVER be with a man who has struggled with porn!” That shows an unforgiving spirit and I want to repent of that. The truth of the matter is we ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God. How can we call ourselves as set apart if we can’t forgive others? I can’t imagine the self-loathing that is caused by this type of thing. To be unforgiving is not the way to support our brothers.

  • Jack

    Brandon-
    It is fine to want to put on sackcloth over this issue, but you need to look at two sides of it. It is equally harmful for women to engage in their preferred form of fantasy via celebrity culture and dreaming of movie stars. Men’s preferred form of porn is clearly very base, but women’s preferred form seems so much mo innocent. Tv, movies, etc. all show idealized romance with an idealized man that is not likely to exist. I’m fine with men slogging for falling into porn use. But let’s also have the women apologize for fantasizing about sparkly vampire guy. Both activities dilute the eventual desire one might feel for a Christian spouse.

    Now, I’ve read articles like this before, and the ususal response the writer will take is to passive-aggressively label me as bitter or insecure, especially since many Christian men have a compulsion to supplicate to the ladies point of view, since they like being an Internet hero.

    But for once, it would be nice to see a Christian writer address the suffering and loss men have experienced as a result of women’s unrealistic attitudes. Surprise me by being different than the other writers who just pile on the men. Can you avoid this trap? I hope so. Because far too many Christian writers offer men nothing but criticism, even as they pat the women on the back and tell her that everything’s ok.
    Ministry means ministry to all, not comfort to one group and scolding to another.

    • http://singleroots.com/ W. Brandon Howard

      It would be great to have a female also write about this topic and hopefully that will happen sooner or later, but until then…hate to break it to you, but I’m not a woman. I’m a man. So, the day that I look at myself in the mirror and my gender as a whole and can say that we’re blameless, I will address the suffering and loss men have experienced as a result of women’s actions. Until then, I have so much work to do on my shortcomings, I don’t have time to write volumes about being offended by other people’s actions. Matthew 7:3

      • jack

        I see. It is always the men that must achieve perfection before we can even think about asking anything of the women.

        Only when the men are blameless, huh? I think you should look up the word “supplicate”. I see your humility as a false one, borne of pride in your ability to abase yourself as a penitent “nice guy”.

        Like the preacher man who drives a rusty old car so that he looks humble. You’re not doing the faith any favors by pretending that men are the “bigger problem”.

        “When men are blameless” – hah! I’ll have to remember that one…

        • Sindi

          As a woman, I never thought about the idolising of movies and celebrity culture as something that could be just as harmful as pornography but I see what you’re saying. It is an interesting way to look at it and has definitely made me think. Thanks for your comment. It has opened my eyes

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003904124812 Jen Smith

          While you make some interesting points, your sarcasm is offputting. Brothers & sisters in Christ serve the same God, and I think this blog attempts to call Christian men to grow in a contrary way to what culture says is o.k.

          P.S. Not all of us women worship movie stars and read romance novels.

  • Je Ann

    I wanna start by saying I just discovered this website and I’m so grateful for it!

    Thank you, Brandon, for your comment: “Obviously, I can’t speak to this issue for females, but it would be shortsighted to act as if it is only a problem among men. Porn’s visual stimulation is precisely configured to fascinate a man’s mind, but has staked a claim to a growing number of women’s private lives. There is perhaps no clearer proof of just how pervasive this obsession is than by examining the growing number of women who are now reported as viewing porn regularly.” This is not just a “male” issue anymore. There are many women who struggle with pornography, but it is so rarely mentioned.

    There are many resources for men, but so few for women.

    As a woman, I feel that pornography and masturbation are (obviously) frowned upon by the church, but it is also a tiny bit accepted because it is such a “common” issue for men. However, it is almost never talked about as an issue for women. Even in (Church/Christ-centered) recovery programs, the issue of female masturbation, pornography, and sexual addictions seem to be so taboo that they are not even whispered about as topics to discuss/issues to address.

    I hope that this issue as it relates to females (as addicts rather than victims) will be addressed soon.

    Thank you again.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003904124812 Jen Smith

      Amen. Sometimes it seems to be treated as a male prerogative.

    • esther

      good response! how true it is that this is not just a problem for men. it is very much a problem for women and it is very hush-hush and taboo in the church and in christian circles. it is incredibly lonely and there aren’t a lot of resources out there…although I have recently found a helpful resource that counsels in a biblical manner, pointing to Jesus and the hope of the gospel….so thankful for those who have stepped up to bring the truth and freedom found only in Jesus to a broken world.

  • esther

    thanks for this post. this is a topic that should be approached more in the church. we are a broken people in desperate need of Jesus, and where else should we be able to find Jesus than in the church?? We MUST come along side of each other, bearing burdens and pointing others to the hope of the gospel…this is not a fight that can be fought alone!

    your line “in other words, we win the battle when we realize we don’t ever stop fighting it” is quite profound…really helps with perspective!