Have you ever met someone and noticed that instant attraction? That spark? That connection that some equate to “love at first sight”? You’re convinced that this person is a perfect match for you. You cry out to God in thanks and praise for finally bringing someone of great compatibility into your life! You know that this is it.
And because you are patient and faithful & trust God’s infallible timing, you wait.
You wait upon the Lord to make the next steps happen. You wait for him to pursue you, for him to show an inkling of the emotion that you’re keeping so secretly inside.
But nothing happens.
A month passes. Then two. Then seven. And you seriously begin to question God as well as your own discernment, your own heart. You wonder what is wrong. You consider all the possibilities of why he isn’t beating down your door. Your mind goes nuts trying to grasp what’s happening.
You’ve done your part. You’ve hinted that you’re interested. You’ve flirted appropriately and made an effort to get to know him. But still there’s nothing. Nothing except a mutual friendship being formed and you find yourself endlessly frustrated and disheartened.
This is where I find myself right now.
I’m in this delicate place of wanting so badly to know this man better, but not wanting to act desperate—wanting him to see me as so much more then a friend, while keeping that light-hearted friendship vibe. Literally willing him to take notice and to take charge while falsely pretending I don’t want more.
And as I navigate this strange dichotomy of emotions while trying to live authentically and honoring God, a few things strike me:
1. Somewhere along the road into adulthood I’ve picked up a lot of false teachings regarding Godly relationships and marriage.
I’m not entirely sure where they came from, especially since my parents have a very strong marriage and are great friends, but these false teachings look something like this:
- A marriage that’s founded in friendship isn’t as desired or passionate as one that’s founded in “love at first sight.”
- Courtship & chivalry no longer exist and, in fact, aren’t needed in our modern society.
- God will bring a man directly to my front door at the time that is perfect for both of us. All I have to do is wait.
2. There are so many contradictions out there.
I was just reading Bianca’s blog the other day:
“…though each man admitted to failing in pursuing women they were interested in, every one said they would want to do the pursuing…there is something thrilling about chasing a girl and having her reciprocate the feelings. If she’s too forward, it comes off as desperate. FYI ladies, we can all hear your biological clock.”
This ever-confusing and infuriating debate about “Is it okay for a woman to show interest or tell a man she likes him?” just makes my brain explode.
3. I find myself frustrated with God at the difficulty in connecting with my mate, and somehow I have come to believe that God is punishing me for my life choices.
As I further pray about what this season of singleness looks like and prayerfully envision my future, I try to forget the lies. I know who is spewing them and I’m aware of how they affect me. I seek the truth and arrive here, with God’s guidance.
With the vast spectrum of beautiful and unique people in this world, is there really one perfect formula for everyone to find their mate? Do we really expect everyone’s love and life story to look the same? I mean, God uses a multitude of avenues to connect His children with life-mates, so why are we spending so much energy on these meaningless debates and constantly judging people for their dating habits?
Don’t get me wrong, I think hearts should be guarded and courtship should experience a revival, but I think the bottom line is this: Are your actions honorable and are you following The Spirit’s guidance?
But the most important thing that comforts and encourages me is Psalm 84:11 “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (NASB)
Daily we strive to better ourselves and we think “If I could just __, then God would bring him to me.” (Fill in the blank. Mine is: “lose 40 lbs.”) I’ve come to seriously rebel against this train of thought. For I don’t believe that God is hiding my husband away because I could spare to lose some weight. And I don’t believe that God is sitting there with a checklist saying “Ok, she’s tackled this and is one step closer to her husband.”
God wants good things for me, for you. And He gives good things even when we don’t seek them or recognize them. Because God is GOOD. ALL THE TIME. Period. I meditate on that truth and realize that singleness is good for me right now.
I read Psalm 84:11 and in that verse I see that God’s timing is perfect. As I spend time with Him and seek to walk uprightly, I can take comfort in the fact that He knows. He knows when the timing will be right for both me and for my husband.
He knows what is good for both of us and, when it is, He will not withhold it from us any longer.
Lauren Jacobs is a Long Beach native with a gypsy soul. Some may say she has a bleeding heart… that is most assuredly true. Her heart genuinely aches for women in the midst of struggles with sex/porn addiction, sexual abuse, depression, & body image and she has been called to mentoring women in these areas. She blogs at Beauty in Breakdown & serves in ministry at Dirty Girls Ministries.
Photo credit: GummyPiglet