If I am brutally honest, I hate admitting that I even tried it. That I went to that point in my singlehood that I selected that for myself. I chose online dating.
Then came the fear of being found out by people. That my life was completely and utterly in desperation mode as a single female. That it had come to this. Trolling online for dates. In my head I started creating all these stories of how I could explain where we had met, concoct some story should things get serious. I then became fearful I would end up with the Match.com killer. I would just be a sad story line.
Here’s the kicker: I tried online dating for six months without so much as one date. Not a single one. I got haughty and prideful in thinking all these guys would fall over for me. That I was this big catch who was just stooping down to online dating to throw them some bread crumbs. Did I honestly think that? No. But I was sure acting like I was God’s gift to eharmony. The pridefulness that I was experiencing was unlike anything I had seen in my life. It grew into this nasty beast as I haughtily checked for my view count each day.
It grew until finally I had to disconnect. I had to cut off the account and seek out the root of this issue. It was the need to have someone accept me. I needed a man’s validation in order to feel whole, full, satisfied. I needed the winks count to grow higher and the messages come flowing in so I would ultimately feel appreciated or valued. Pride masked the deeper insecurity held within.
Pride works best when it hides the real issue. Within, I desired nothing more than to feel loved, to be approved, wanted. Until that time, I would be discontent. My contentedness wrapped solely in my status as a single. When there were no dates, no likes, no messages I would say I was too good for it. Then silently it would eat away at my self-esteem and I would wonder why I was alone. For someone who is as independent as I say and often act, being single was really dragging me through an emotional tailspin.
When the online dating crashed and burned in those six months, I immediately gravitated towards someone who would feed me the attention for all the wrong reasons. It led to a false sense of security and contentment. But the moment you place your contentment in the hands of a situation or circumstance, you can guarantee it will be busted and broken.
Online dating showed me that too often I placed my contentment in my surroundings or my status on Facebook. That I looked for definition in my inbox and found myself wanting when there was none. I wish I could say that I learned this lesson quickly and easily. But it took three years of battling insecurity, and having God show me exactly where the root of my issues were in order to understand what He was attempting to show me then.
Six months ago I became content in who I was. It wasn’t through the words of a book, a successful foray into online dating, or a relationship. I understood what it meant to be single, full of life and listening to what God says about me. Believing He told me the truth that I was worthy, valuable, and lovable. Because I was all of those to Him. I wish I could say I wake up every day firm in that belief, but I am human, flesh and blood. I still struggle with that but ultimately I know my contentedness resides in Him. And not how many winks I have online.
Do you find yourself looking for your contentment in your relationship status? Does the attention of the opposite sex enthrall you, leaving you at an emotional high or emotional low when it’s absent?
About Sara Stacy: Child of the King. Hipster in Training. Daughter. Sister. Girlfriend Extraordinaire. Foodie. Learner. Writer. These are a few of Sara’s favorite things that describe her on a given day. She works in higher education but loves writing on her life as a single, female, and Christian. You can check out more of her writing at www.sarabstacy.wordpress.com.
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