In case this is your first time reading about this “online dating experiment,” here’s the rundown: My dear, (debatably) generous friends from SingleRoots offered me online dating subscriptions this summer to each of the big 3 sites—eharmony, Christian Mingle, and Match.com. I thought it was a slightly crazy proposition, but since I’m new to Birmingham, I decided it couldn’t hurt.
Last month, I shared about the sign-up process for each of the sites and what you can expect if you, like me, have decided that it’s time to go all in on this online dating thing. Basically, they all had their pros and cons, but I felt like eharmony gave me more of an opportunity to express who I really am as a believer.
But let’s be honest: You don’t care about all that. What you want to know is whether or not I’ve been on any dates, or if I was one of the lucky .0838347% of the population who struck gold and is dating someone seriously after just one month on the sites. Nope.
Here’s how things currently stand:
I’ve had the sleazy pick-up lines thrown my way.
They’ve made me blush, made me mad, and now they just all make me laugh because I keep wondering how they’ve gotten through life with such a lack of self-awareness.
I’ve had the one-sentence “How you doin’?” used more than once.
Because it worked so well for Joey Tribbiani back in the 90s that some guys want to keep it around in 2015. And because Birmingham guys have so much in common with Joey Tribbiani.
I’ve rolled my eyes at the complete disregard for the English language.
Texting abbreviations would’ve been better than what I’ve seen. I’m embarrassed for them, and it’s grounds for a complete dismissal of their profiles. It doesn’t take much to ask a friend to proofread.
I’ve had conversations with guys who expected me to carry the conversation.
If you’re the first to reach out in an email, you’d best have something more to say to me than “Hey” because I don’t have the time or the energy to talk for us both. I need guys who use their words.
I’ve found 5 guys who are setting up shop on multiple sites.
Yes, this is a little hypocritical of me to point out, considering the fact that I’m on three sites this summer, but we all know I wouldn’t be on these sites without my SingleRoots benefactors. So let’s just say I’m judging these guys hard. Except for that one guy who reached out to me on both sites. He was a contender…
But the one thing I can’t get over, gentlemen, are the profile pics.
I’ve tried to figure out what the problem is. Is it that it’s been a few years since I’ve dated online and the quality of the profile pic is directly proportionate to your age? Like, the older you get, the more ridiculous the profile pics get for your matches? Because it’s been a few years, and I’m in my thirties now, and so many of these pictures are downright embarrassing.
I’ve seen the shirtless mirror selfies, of course, but now I’m also seeing fresh-out-of-the-shower-with-your-towel-on-your-shoulder-and-the-steamy-shower-in-the-background shirtless mirror selfies. Or laying-in-bed-on-your-fire-engine-red-sheets-while-propped-up-on-a-pillow-flexing-your-muscles shirtless mirror selfies. They all just make me want to show up at their mamas’ houses holding up the screenshot I took of their pics and let her deal with them. Because I know she raised them better than that.
I’ve seen profile pics at Wrestlemania conventions, in Boy Scout uniforms, with 1985 Olan Mills filters, in Confederate flag shirts, pictures of cats, and pictures of pictures on guys’ computers. These days, I get more excited about the ridiculous profile pictures I’ll come across than I do about who I’m talking to.
But I’ve gotten way off course. Back to my Month 1 results…
This month, I’ve talked to 3-4 guys on each site. That’s not counting the smiles, likes, winks, or other trivial ways people can use to say, “Hey, I’m interested in chatting. What about you?”
Even though I knew that only 1-2 of them (on all of the sites combined) were guys who’d spark my interest in real life, I’ve forced myself to give the others the benefit of the doubt and communicate with them anyway because I know I could be wrong if I’m just judging them based on their profile. But each time, after a few emails back and forth, so far, I’ve only proven that I should’ve trusted my gut.
So I haven’t even gotten to the point where I’ll give someone the benefit of the doubt and meet for coffee or dinner because we can’t make it past the email stage. One of my friends said she read somewhere that there are significantly more single women than single men in the world, in the church, and in online dating, so our chances of finding someone are more limited. I’m just over here holding onto that as a truth universally acknowledged.
Which site do I like best so far?
That one is easy: eharmony. I feel like the guys who are the best matches for me—the ones who truly love the Lord and aren’t Christians in name only—come through eharmony. Not that we’re mutually interested in each other, of course, but if we were…
I also like the fact that 5-7 matches are delivered to my inbox every day through eharmony. I have to set up searches on Christian Mingle and Match, and I feel like once I’ve gone through those searches, there’s not much else to do but sit around and wait for new people to join. At least with eharmony, I know I’ll get new people delivered to me regularly.
When it comes to Christian matches, I feel like Christian Mingle comes in second—although, it seems like a lot of guys on there are just looking for moral girls who go to church. They seem to like the idea of a good girl, but not a really good girl.
I’ve yet to have a Christian match delivered through my daily matches on Match.com, even though I put that faith was a deal breaker for me, so it’s in dead last. My theory is that Match just gives you 8-10 matches each day just to make you think they’re helping you out, but instead it just makes me dislike Match more. It’s already difficult enough to wade through profile after profile to figure out if someone is a believer or not.
So if you’re keeping score…
I’m at zero dates for Month 1, and eharmony is winning for preferred site.
Until next month…
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