I sat around the table at Ruby Tuesday with three of my closest friends and my friend Jennifer said these words to me: “This year, I challenge you to stop saying you’re never getting married.”
My pride welled up. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to tell her how stupid her challenge was. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t, because she was right.
I was speaking words over myself that were not part of God’s plan for me.
So I agreed that I was up for the challenge.
I sat around the lunch table during a family visit home when my grandmother said these words to me, after other family members attempted to hook me up with the local mortician:
Do you think I will live long enough to see you get married?
I took a bite of my sandwich before replying, “I’m only 30 people! Give me a break.” I considered sharing the news with her that I was never getting married, but quickly remembered I had agreed to the challenge that those words were no longer part of my vocabulary.
I still struggle with the fear of getting married.
I don’t know that it’s the marriage part, or the fact that I actually have to trust a man—not to mention, agree to trust him for the rest of my life. But it’s a fear I’m embracing. A fear I’m fighting head on.
I’m holding onto hope that there is a guy out there that I will someday walk down the aisle with. There’s the man who will understand my past and love me anyway. A guy who perhaps admires my stubbornness.
I’ve recently started writing letters to my future husband, thanks to the prompting of the book Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality. I sat down on a Sunday morning, after church was cancelled due to weather, and wrote a letter to my husband.
I got completely vulnerable with the man I haven’t met yet.
I talked about my fears, yet shared with him that I trust him with those fears. I talked about some expectations, and I also let some go. I asked for his patience with me. I thanked him for protecting me. The rest, well…that’s for him to read.
It was healing for me, honestly. It renewed my hope that marriage is a possibility for me. It made me smile.
Thanks for hoping with me. And please don’t try to hook me up with a mortician.
If you have a friend who thinks they’re never getting married, will you email them this post?