[Disclaimer: The Dear Adam/Eve posts are meant to be a humorous feature that attempts to poke fun at some of the stereotypes and issues that arise in the dating world. If sarcasm isn’t your thing, you might want to stop reading now…]
Dear Adam and Eve,
It’s readily apparent that you are fond of each other. Your new found relationship has put stars in your eyes and a little extra giddy-up in your step. Allow me to be first to congratulate you. I want to make it clear that I’m extremely happy for the both of you.
Formalities aside, let’s discuss your incessant desires to display your affection physically for public viewing. The fact of the matter is I’m old enough by now that I should have seen this coming a mile away. Exchanging Facebook status updates containing the phrase “Spending the day with my baby!” yet neither of you is the parent of an infant child is usually a clear indicator that you’re completely unaware of how intolerable you are together.
You’ve known each other for 3 weeks and can’t even tell me the parents’ first names of this person who seems to have a crisp $100 bill lodged in his/her throat that you’re obsessed with finding. Should you decide to kiss your loved one in public, please follow these simple guidelines: a peck on the lips to say “Hello,” “Goodbye,” or “I’m proud of you” is perfectly acceptable.
One of the most miserable trips for me is the mall. I don’t want to be there to begin with, and it gets all that much more intolerable with couples’ blatant disregard for public decency. Ladies, your wallet is in your purse, not his back pocket, so I don’t understand why you feel the need to rest your hand there. The glutes will be fine by themselves. Men, pull the chair out for the lady and allow her to sit there and share your Orange Julius. But if I can’t really tell where your lap ends and hers begins, it becomes over the top and gross.
When I dine with friends, if they each bring two hands to the table then I prefer that they use each hand simultaneously to eat. Call me quirky. The rest of us are just trying to have a conversation, yet I can’t help but notice the fact that the two you act as if the world is going to come to an end if you’re not constantly holding hands. I don’t care what your love language is. Use your fork and knife to put the steak in your mouth and when you’re far enough away from your friends that they don’t have to awkwardly ignore your under-the-table grab action, then have at it.
I’ll be the first to admit I’m a tad bit jealous that you have someone that you’re so crazy about you want to be right up in their bubble 24/7. However, take a break from Cloud 9 for a moment and realize that I do not have or want anything to do with how you choose to physically express yourself to your counterpart.
Do us all a favor: Throw the word “private” in your PDA.
*Photo credit: TobyOtter