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Dec 2011

Taking Care of Myself (or, Wanting Someone to Take Care of Me Occasionally)

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Late 19th Century Couple © by Matthew Wilkinson

Last week my roommate asked me if I knew anything about adding air to the tires on her car. I promptly told her to call one of her guy friends because car issues always resulted, for me, in a phone call to my father or my good friend Jim. She said something about wanting to be a strong, independent woman, so in an effort to help a sister out, I told her everything I knew about low tires, including which places she should purchase a tire if airing it up was not successful.

Impressed by my knowledge of important details such as the PSI being listed on the driver’s door, she begged me to go with her and help her out. I sighed, then caved, and we headed out to the nearby gas station. I think I was still mumbling something about her calling her guy friend, and she–ever the optimist–said we could handle it.

Even though I’ve never actually done one myself, I knew how to air up a tire. Later, I considered why I pushed so hard for her to call a guy. It’s not like I’m incapable of taking care of minor auto issues. I proved that fact the other night. And I certainly don’t call guys to help me out when it comes to a lot of other areas.

I think the reality is that, as a single woman, I’ve had to do a lot of things on my own. I’ve bought and sold a house, negotiated job contracts, planned trips all over the globe, and helped navigate healthcare options for my grandmother who has Alzheimer’s disease. There are few stones left unturned.

But that’s just it: I want to leave a few stones unturned. I think deep down I fear that the longer I’m single, the more independent I’m becoming and the less desirable that is to a guy. So I leave car repairs as an unturned stone, an area where I’m less inclined, less skilled. And that’s kinda ridiculous.

As Christian women, we’re often told how the Godly men that we’re waiting on are protectors and providers and want to take care of us. As I embrace my mid-thirties, I find myself torn between wanting to be that strong, independent woman that my roommate talked about and being the girl who still longs to be protected and provided for. I think it’s possible to be Godly and be both, but there are times when I see one start to overshadow the other in my life. It’s a fine line.

I just returned from a trip to Spain with some college friends. There were 2 guys and 2 girls on the trip. Upon arrival to Madrid, there was a lot of chaos and we ended up with the 2 girls in one taxi and the 2 guys in the other taxi. The only problem was that the guys had the paperwork with the hotel address on it, and we had nothing other than the name. The guys also spoke much more fluent Spanish than the girls, so it was just an ideal situation all around.

After about a 20-minute taxi ride during Madrid rush hour, we realized that our driver was having difficulty finding our hotel. I was beginning to get a little panicked because I knew that I really had no other information to offer him. A few minutes later I came to my senses, regained my self-confidence in my ability to problem solve, and we eventually arrived.

When we met up with the guys, one of them told me their protective instincts had kicked in and they felt terrible that we ended up in a taxi without their help. I told him not to worry about it–we had traveled without guys before and we would’ve figured something out. But to be honest, it was so nice to know that someone wanted to protect us and was concerned for our well-being. As a single female who is always trying to take care of herself, it was kinda nice to know that someone besides my father or my brothers was protective of me–even if it was something as simple as a rogue taxi ride.

I know that God’s plans are so much greater than my issues with strength and gentleness or independence and vulnerability. His sovereignty will bring a relationship into my life if/when it is the right time, and I’m pretty sure I’ll still be in the throes of sanctification and won’t have my femininity figured out. In the meantime, I’ll continue to work on my self-awareness and discerning the motivations behind things like not wanting to air up a tire.

Because I’m certain it could not have been related to sheer laziness…

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About Jessica Bufkin

Jessica spent the first twelve years of her "grown-up life" teaching eighth graders sexy topics such as symbolism and thesis statements. And then, in the summer of 2011, she turned around and wasn't a teacher anymore. She has difficulty explaining what her career is but writing for SingleRoots is just one of her many roles. A collector of Starbucks city mugs, she still doesn't know what she's going to do with them all (35 at last count), but she figures that she can't possibly stop collecting them now. She has a crush on the Apostle Paul (with the good Doctor Luke coming in a close second) and thinks the best thing about being single is her freedom to travel with some of the most Godly, fun people on the planet. And yes, the red hair is her true hair color, but she defies the fiery stereotype (or tries to anyway). You can follow her on Twitter @jessicabufkin.

  • http://tuggeyinfrisco.wordpress.com Amy Tuggey

    Hey Jessica,

    Let me clue you in a bit. I am married, AND I still have to be the protector and figure our and DO all of this stuff out for myself. Not to say that my husband is incapable, he’s just not always aware. I know I will most likely feel a backlash from this comment….but I felt it was crucial for you to know, that being married or in a relationship does not always guarantee a “protector” or a “provider” – best to equip yourself with all the knowledge and experience you can, sister!

    Amy

    • Martha

      I can’t speak for Jessica, but my impression is not that she’s failing to equip herself, merely that she hopes for a time when she won’t *have* to do everything herself. I think we all know that being married doesn’t make everything magically easier, and that a husband will not take care of everything, but at least there is the option of someone taking care of you, and someone you can count on to help you.

    • Jessica Bufkin

      @Amy–For me, it’s less about having a “constant” and more about having an “option,” like Martha said. Even in marriage I don’t expect to just sit back and coast while my husband does all of the work for our family. In the meantime, the Lord is continually teaching me that my life is not in some holding pattern until a husband comes along; therefore, I must take care of (or seek help for) any and every thing that comes my way–car repairs included. :)

  • http://www.piecesofamy.blogspot.com Amy Schaffner

    I have to agree with the Amy above, my husband thinks I “Like” to fix things and handle things myself. It’s true that it’s not a guarantee. I feel this way when I go through the trouble of hashing out a problem out loud and then my “protector” says something like “I don’t know, what do you think?” or “it’ll work out”. It’s not a strictly “single” issue.

    God created us this way. He created us to KNOW in our spirits that we NEEDED a helper. Yes He created marriage as one aspect of that, but higher than that and above all else it is to lead us to Him. We were not created to be alone, an island all to ourselves, completely self-sufficient. This would negate our need for a Savior.

    I would be much more concerned if your post were about how much you knew you could take care of yourself, than a post where you recognize your God-given need for others in your life!
    Amy number two.

  • http://www.piecesofamy.blogspot.com Amy Schaffner

    In rethinking this, I’m not sure I can actually say I “agree” with Amy number one. She makes it sound like you are sitting around doing nothing – waiting for marriage to fix everything for you. I don’t think this is what you are saying in the least. Her comment smacks of the classic “Mom told me to get a college education and learn all I can so I never have to rely on a man”. I don’t think this is what God wants of us at all.

    I’m pretty sure that you already know that marriage will not guarantee you a protector, you are just being honest and open about what we ALL feel – the desire to be cared for.

    Thank you for being authentic.

    • Missi

      I couldn’t agree more with Amy Schaffner’s second post.

      I appluad you for saying what most 30 something single women think. As girls we see Disney movies and we are told we need that knight and shining armor to protest us and rescue us. But as women married friends or parents say do it yourself, you can’t depend on a man. It’s a constant battle as the title says…Taking care of yourself or wanting someone to take care of you occasionally. You know a man will not meet every need but all women desire to have someone meet some needs.

      I think your being vulnerable and saying this out loud makes you the strongest woman there is!

      • Jessica Bufkin

        Disney–messing with our heads since we were toddlers. :)

  • Jen

    I appreciate your post! The longer I’ve been single the harder it is to ask others for help. I’m afraid I will inconvenience them or appear weak. But it shouldn’t be an inconvenience to ask others for help – it should be an opportunity for blessing. And God calls us to live in community and depend on others (whether it is a husband, friend, or family). So here’s to continuing to live a life of dependence on God and the people He has placed in your life!

    • Jessica Bufkin

      “I’m afraid I will inconvenience them or appear weak.”
      Appearing weak is a huge part of the issue for me, too. I really could do without the whole FEELING weak aspect also. Both are pride issues, and clearly areas where the Lord wants to refine me through the process. Yay. :)

  • http://tuggeyinfrisco.wordpress.com Amy Tuggey

    Alrighty girls, I am going to weigh back in. i am in agreement with Amy #2 on comment #2, paragraph#2. I was just saying that just because you are married doesn’t mean you have a protector, yes, God made us that way, but sometimes we can mess things up in spite of Him.

    I applaud the honesty; I would LOVE a protector in my mate! And Jen makes an AWESOME point about asking for help and letting it be a blessing for someone to help you.

    Bottom line: no one “person” in your life is going to be there for you every time, only God will be, but someone has to pony up to change the oil…and sometimes…it is you, babe :D

  • http://www.about.com/normanridgway Norman Ridgway

    I found this posting to be very thought provoking. From a male perspective we desire to fix problems. Although we appreciate a women who can do things independently we also, especially as a single man, really want our single women friends to ask us for help. I believe if you don’t ask us you may be taking away the opportunity for us to be a blessing to you. I can think of a three reasons off of the top of my head why a man desires to be asked to help.

    First, it gives us the opportunity to show off a little. Face it ladies a peacock wants to show off his feathers a little. We want to show you that we can be depended on and that we have the necessary skills to protect and provide for a woman. This is so not just for the women we like but also the women that we see only as friends.

    Secondly, it allows us to invest in the friendship. If a typical man is like me then they don’t feel like they have much to invest in acts of service in a friendship. I can’t cook, can’t talk about fashion in any meaningful way, but I can help out with lifting something heavy, fixing a computer/media issue, or putting air in the tires of a car. I’m a computer guy so I love it when I can bless a friend with help with a computer issue rather than them spending $200 at the Geek Squad to fix an issue.

    Thirdly, it helps sharpen the skills of protecting, providing, and serving our future wife. For me this is a big one. I don’t know how to do a lot of stuff but I’m willing to learn. Men can do this on our own like going out and taking a self defense class or firearms training but having someone ask us to do something we don’t know how to do and giving us the opportunity to figure it out is great for our self confidence and understanding.

    I totally understand women wanting to be independent and not wanting to ask for help but at the same time she may be missing the opportunity to let us bless you in some small way.

    • http://about.me/normanridgway Norman Ridgway

      I just thought of one other thing. I call it the “stuffs.” A woman can learn a lot about the measure of a man by how they react to your request for help with “stuff.” If a woman is dating a man and they are always available for fun “stuff” but never seem to be available to help with hum drum “stuff” then good luck getting them to help with “stuff” after the wedding.

    • Missi

      Grateful to have a guy’s perspective…Thanks for sharing!

    • Jen

      That reminds me Norman… I have a computer problem I could use some help with :)

      • http://about.me/normanridgway Norman Ridgway

        Jen’s problem solved. Sort of… Thanks for letting me serve you.

    • Jessica Bufkin

      Norman, thanks so much for the insight! You make great points, some that I never considered. The “stuffs” is spot on, too!

      By the way, do you want to come write for SingleRoots? :)

      • http://about.me/normanridgway Norman Ridgway

        Jessica,

        Thanks for asking. I’d be happy to give it a shot if you can give me some ideas of things to write about. I’ve been trying to get up the motivation to do my own podcast so maybe this will jump start my imagination.

        • Jessica Bufkin

          I’ll email you. :)

  • Linda

    As I so often do, I agree with Amy #2. You’re only expressing that God wired your brain the same as He did every other woman’s. He put the desire in us to be protected and provided for, the same way he put in guys the desire to protect and provide.

    I call on my guy friends all the time for help. But the guys I usually call are the ones who see it as an opportunity to serve when they come over to look at the wiring problem on my light switch, change the smoke detector battery, or yank the pull-chain on my lawn mower because I just don’t have enough upper body strength to get the stupid thing started. I don’t think this makes me any less independent. Yeah, I could figure these things out if I HAD to, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with helping a guy get a little practice “protecting and providing” sometimes. :)

    • Jessica Bufkin

      Which is what I told my roommate the first ten times. ;)

  • Heather Reynolds

    What a GREAT post. True vulnerability and candor…what this world needs more of. As a married woman, the author of this post is right. You need to watch your level of “independence” and for all the reasons the author cites. For your dependance on your future husband, for your dependance on the community Christ calls us to live in, for your dependance on Christ. God built men and women differently. Yes, we can mess that up. But, God built us different ways. I could argue all day long about a man’s longing to feel like he is the protector and provider for his family. I am not saying that all men do it but I am saying it is how God created us. I have always been an independent woman, yet this attribute probably offers the most common points of “discussion” in my marriage. Men need to feel needed.

    I don’t think Jessica was trying to come across as the first responder seems to indicate that a man will fix everything and take care of her. She appears smart enough to realize that is God’s role. But, life is easier with a partner. Life is easier when you feel cared for by your community.

    Jessica, keep the posts coming. Frankly, I don’t feel like you need to be clued in as a commentor states…I think you have it right on. Our faith community needs more honest thoughts like yours.

    • Jessica Bufkin

      “I have always been an independent woman, yet this attribute probably offers the most common points of ‘discussion’ in my marriage. Men need to feel needed.”

      Thanks for your honest comment, Heather. It’s especially encouraging to hear from someone who is married and can speak to the struggle that many of us often worry about–finding the proper balance between independence and vulnerability.

  • Brandi Dalton

    Jessica has shared what I think most Christian women think: we want to be strong and vulnerable at the same time! I like to help/bless and be helped/blessed by my husband and friends. God made us for community. So, whether it’s asking for or giving help in airing up a tire or the hum drum stuff that Norman talks about, we need each other. We depend on each other. Tom Hanks built that raft because he needed people. He talked to a volleyball because he needed someone(thing) to talk to. He wailed when Wilson was lost to him. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is also nothing wrong is giving help. Both apply to both men and women. Christ is our example: He independently died on the cross and He commissions us to be his witnesses.

    • Jessica Bufkin

      Brandi, you are so right–ultimately it’s about belonging. Relationships, whether in marriage or in friendship, bear witness to the fact that we are created to live life alongside others and not solo. But more importantly, they are a reflection of a God who desires intimacy with His children. I loved the Castaway illustration! It made me want to go watch it again! :)