{Editor’s Note: Single guys are in the minority in many of our churches today, and it doesn’t seem to matter how big the church is or if it has a singles ministry or not. This is the first in a series of occasional posts created to dialogue about what single men in church have been experiencing in a variety of congregations. Brandon is in his thirties and recently married. He spent several years in leadership in a singles ministry at a megachurch.}
Despite the fact that “Thank U” by Alanis Morissette makes a strong bid for my top ten favorite songs ever, anything from Metallica’s The Black Album could also easily be in the conversation. I used to feel like I was a walking contradiction.
My eclectic tastes in music carried over into my friendships. The sports jerseys in my closet and naked walls in my bachelor pad reeked of the quintessential man yet I always possessed a natural ease at cultivating platonic relationships with girls.
A sample of what I encountered after church on Sundays:
“Hi, Brandon!” [Side hug]
“WBH!” [Side hug]
“Hey! Brando!” [Side hug]
Between double dipping in separate co-ed life groups during the week and attending at least one service every weekend, my (church-appropriate) love bucket was never empty. I had the Friend Zone on lock down with a large contingent of eligible, single ladies. I was okay with that.
Mentions of Ryan Reynolds’s physique and Aunt Flo notwithstanding, I enjoyed spending platonic time with females as an escape from some of my gender’s need to turn “Guy Nights” into a hot-blooded woman hunt or masculinity test. My machismo was secure and I felt no desire to turn dinner into an arm wrestling contest.
Despite all of the wonderful things they added to my life, the truth was: Until the day I found myself staring into a pair of eyes behind a veil, every female friendship I made was for but a season of life. What I truly desired was brotherhood. Yet, despite this fact, chances were you’d find me surrounded by women on weekends. I’d like to attribute this to my irresistible charm and dashing good looks…
Like any good mother, Mom called me one day to voice her concern about my lack of man time, and I simply replied,
“I can hang out with girls at church, or I can hang out with men in bars. You decide.”
She didn’t have to think long.
I began to approach my life with the attitude that I was the King’s man. I was to be about His business. I fall short daily, but there is nothing apart from Him that could quench my thirst for meaning and fulfillment. Why wouldn’t I want to spend the majority of my time with men of the same conviction?
I knew guys who were close friends who professed to be Christians; I had others I love and I would give my life for if only because I honestly don’t know if the rest of their eternity would be spent in Heaven. But, as a single man professing that I wanted to learn how to love Jesus more than I love myself and truly mean it, it became increasingly difficult to find many similar single guys in the church.
Yes, it’s a broad brush to paint the social landscape of the entire church but it’s rooted in my own reality in a megachurch. The King’s men who are not only single and childless but also proficient in social situations and can sit down and thoroughly enjoy a burger, a beer, and a football game…where are they? It’s constantly a game of extremes. Guys tend to be either so spiritually minded that they’re no earthly good, or their love for Jesus only exists long enough to find a cute girl at church to prey on.
However, if a man whose station in life mirrored mine (30, never been married, no kids, employed, enjoys sports/man stuff, chooses to go to bed early Saturday to get up early Sunday, and loves Jesus) showed up to our singles group, he was probably a week away from having a girlfriend, six months away from engagement and had very little time for me. They’re rare and rarely stick around, bound for domestic bliss and couples dates. Who can blame them?
There aren’t words to describe how thankful I am for the friendships that I’ve been afforded with people in all stages of their walks with the Lord. I am richly blessed with amazing friends. However, those occasional weekend nights when the church girls were out doing whatever they do and my other friends were out doing what I used to do, those naked bachelor pad walls got lonely.
For years my family, my church and my inability to find someone worth pursuing were the loudest reminders of just how single I am. My singleness seemed all the more challenging because it felt like until I was one half of a couple I was less likely to find men in church with convictions of my own.
Other posts in this series:
Single Men in the Church [Part 2] : It’s Not a Man’s World
Single Men in the Church [Part 3] : The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter
Single Men in the Church [Part 4] : Absent Without Leave
Single Men in the Church: Some Final Thoughts
