I’ve been recapping ABC’s The Bachelor franchise for a quarter of my life.
Go ahead. I’ll give you a moment to digest that sentence. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that those who have not already skipped to the next post need to process their feelings regarding what is arguably the most dramatic reality dating show in the history of time. Feel free to choose from the following:
A. You openly mock your Facebook friends’ status updates on Monday nights for watching such blatant filth.
B. You silently agree with your Facebook friends’ status updates on Monday nights, but would never in a million years “like” said status because those in your Bible study would put a star by your name when reviewing the prayer list.
C. Your Facebook status keeps up with how many helicopters and hot tubs have been featured on the current season.
The good news is that since I am a literal EXPERT in all things Bachelor, I have also become cultured in the dating world. Whether you roll your eyes at the thought of a Bachelor watching party or you personally follow Chris Harrison on Twitter, I would guess that there is something you too can take away from the 5 dating tips listed below.
1. Mirror, Mirror On the Wall
Mirrors are really good at reflecting. Take a moment to check out your clothing choices before leaving the house.
For the Guys:
Are there any bedazzlements on the butt of your jeans? If so, change immediately. Second, do you have a shirt on? I know you have a rockin’ set of abs, but let’s save that for the hot tub scene, okay? Put on a shirt. Good job. Look in the mirror again and be honest. Is your t-shirt a little too tight? If so, stop borrowing your kid brother’s clothes.
For the Ladies:
Are you wearing a wedding dress? Because that’s just inappropriate and not at all as funny as you think it is. Second, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times—if your shorts were purchased at Build-a-Bear, you need to re-think your bottoms. And please put on some bottoms because a shirt does NOT a dress make.
2. You Only Get One Chance
First impressions are critical. The spectrum spans from unforgettable blah in beige to complete chach. Steer clear of the following ice breakers: carrying an ostrich egg, vowing to guard and protect his/her heart by getting a tattoo, executing gymnastics in a formal prom dress, singing opera from a balcony, bringing your grandmother on the date or slapping the guy in the face on behalf of all America. Under NO circumstances do you spontaneously dance. I don’t know you well enough for this to be cool or funny.
You want to land somewhere memorable in the middle. Cheesy poems or puns are fine, but proceed with caution. You don’t want to be known as the “poem” guy. You want your date to be warmly smiling or laughing upon the first meet-n-greet.
3. The Best Time You’ll Never Remember
Let’s be honest: Should you drink your dinner before meeting your potential mate? Vast amounts of alcohol leads to several unfortunate scenarios. Ugly crying. Unnecessary four-letter-word rants. Jumping in swimming pools fully clothed. This never ends well.
4. Freak Flag
God has blessed some of us with impeccable discernment. For those who have trouble with these spiritual gifts, let me clue you in. When various people in your life all caution you about the same person over and over and over again, there’s probably some character flaw in that person that should be investigated. When a girl says that she’s friends with only guys because “women are jealous of her,” that’s code for “high maintenance” or she’s just plain mean.
5. Don’t Settle
Dating is a delicate dance. I think if you give the relationship a solid go, and it still doesn’t feel like that person is right for you, the most honest thing to do is let him/her get on with their life instead of proposing in a beautifully decorated, yet completely fake rain forest. Continuing in a relationship because you think the other person deserves it or that too much time has been invested is brutal. Even if you are contractually obligated by a major TV network.
I understand that The Bachelor doesn’t have the best of track records, but the foundation of the show is completely obvious. Most of us are looking for our happily ever after. We are so transfixed by the need to move things at our own timeline that our priorities inadvertently shift.
Guess what? He’s totally got this. Calm down and learn to wait for God’s perfect timing.
Learning to practice patience is tough. That’s probably why we are encouraged to be patient 47 times in the Bible. No matter how badly you want to wear your Build-a-Bear shorts or carry that ostrich egg around, it has no magical power that will FINALLY make the love of your life take notice. Don’t settle for anything less than God’s plan for you. Ask for His wisdom and seek counsel from mentors in your life.
Tweeting Chris Harrison totally counts.
Lincee Ray works in the oil and gas business in Houston, Texas. She has been recapping The Bachelor franchise for years on her personal blog, I HateGreenBeans. As a child, she taught herself to say the ABCs backwards. It kills at parties. She doesn’t eat meat off the bone, and she’s both an approval and Dr Pepper addict. She’s a little too enthusiastic about her DVR, iPod, Ryan Gosling and teeny bopper shows on the CW. Her life verses include Psalm 18:1 and Exodus 14:14. You can also follow her on Twitter @Lincee.
Photo credit: Matthias Durstewitz