“I know I should be happy, but I’m not. I’m jealous of her.”
This was a recent discussion a friend and I were having–once again–regarding the woes of being single and the emotions you feel when another friend, who has been single like you, is suddenly in a relationship.
Am I alone in that feeling? I know I should be rejoicing with my sister, but I want to throw my hands up, look up at God and say, “HELLO! I’m still single, by the way!”
And then, my flesh-driven self begins to wonder, “What did I do wrong? Why am I not being blessed like So-and-So?” Oh, but I am. I am so blessed. And having a husband has nothing to do with it. See, I know that. I know it.
“Two of my very best friends got pregnant within months of each other, and all of the sudden I felt…like I was a failure at life because I was nowhere near their new season–the season in life where my mind thinks I should be. Like I’m a failure because no one wants me–like something’s wrong with me. I really hate to admit it, but there were even times when I felt failed by God.”
What I do have right now in this season of singleness is a bond with other single women. I know what they’re going through, especially those of us who are hitting our late twenties to mid-thirties. None of us expected to still be without by now. We expected to be married by our mid-twenties. And I guarantee most of us in our thirties expected to marry by the time we hit thirty.
I am not going to lie–there are times when I do lie awake and wonder, “When? How are You going to do it? And why does everyone else get it before me?” And again, Jesus uses these questions.
My heart is so passionate for singles right now in this stage of life. I can honestly tell them when we’ve been discussing it, “I don’t know why we’re single, other than that God is really preparing us for something amazing and bigger than we ever imagined.” Because, let’s face it, we’re all beautiful and awesome and any guy would be super blessed to have us.
But it still goes back to the fact that, honestly, I’m tired of being single lately. I’m tired of seeing everyone else in a relationship and then being down on myself because I’m not in one. It’s a constant battle that I’ll forever fight with myself.
Content one day, discontent the next.
One thing that I know I am learning is I don’t want to ever forget what it’s like during this time of being without. I want to remember how it feels so that one day whenever I’m in a relationship or married, I can talk with women who are going through what I am now and offer deeper answers other than, “When you least expect it….”
Because let’s face it: We’re single. We’re always going to be expecting it.
I can’t wait until this love story has an ending. But for right now, I’m going to make it all count for what waits ahead.