I have no love for the Marriage/Singles/Relationship aisle in any bookstore. I loathe it. But I’m a sucker for good covers and branding. So when I was introduced to Altared by Claire and Eli by a friend of a friend, it checked off that design box for me. Since I’m clearly quite the discerning reader, my aversion to relationship books was easily trumped by a book that had a cool cover.
Then there was the tagline: “The true story of a SHE, a HE, and how they both got too worked up about WE.” I was intrigued.
After I read the press release, I was all in:
“With honesty and insight coming from their real-life story, Claire and Eli ask us to shift our thinking away from marriage or singleness and toward love and discipleship. Drawing from luminaries like Augustine, the Desert Fathers, and Bonhoeffer, they invite you to join their personal exploration of love as they convincingly demonstrate why a love for God and for one’s neighbor are to be our top priorities, whether we are single or married.”
My original intent was to write a review of the book, let you know it was out there, and move on. But I couldn’t.
Mainly because there was just so much that I wanted to talk through with other people.
It was a lot to chew on. I let it marinate internally for a little while, but the book demanded a conversation.
“Our vision of ‘Christian marriage’ and ‘Christian family’—even if offered with good intentions—must not define Christ-like love but rather Christ must be our guide. In other words, we cannot let our own notions of marriage shape our love. Love should shape our notion of marriage. And Christ should shape our love.” {page 35}
As an avid reader, I often find that I start a lot of books and don’t finish them because I feel like I get the gist of what the author is trying to say about halfway through the book. I quickly discovered that to do this to Claire and Eli would be unfair and my judgment needed to be reserved until the very last word was read.
“…My pursuit of marriage had caused me to lose sight of my neighbor. And inevitably, I was not content or composed. I was not pursuing the gospel, but a Christianized version of the American dream. It was another form of worked-up selfishness.” {page 224}
Not only did they rely on Early Church Fathers to give gravity to their premises, but they delve deep into Scripture and ask hard questions that I’ve rarely heard from married or single people.
“…Even if we believe the average Christian can’t handle singleness—as many in the church seem to—we should still remind the few that can handle it that singleness is biblically described as a path that helps people to focus on God, not one that hinders or marginalizes them. And we shouldn’t merely mouth these words as an afterthought, as a gesture of patronage, but the words should be repeated until our lives reflect some confirmation of their truth. And in a culture like ours, this might be much more difficult than it sounds.” {page 141}
So I gave copies to friends with varying perspectives and had them read the book too. I sent 5 questions to the following people: Don a single male; Daniel, who didn’t marry until his late 20s; Amy, who married her husband, a minister, soon after graduating from college. I didn’t send 5 questions to myself, of course, but I represented all the single ladies. (Now that I’ve planted Beyonce in your head, let’s move onto the discussion at hand, shall we?)
[Disclaimer: This post contains spoilers.]
What is your overall opinion of Altared?
Don :: I thought it was really good, and definitely a unique perspective when it comes to Christian dating/relationship books.
Jessica :: I enjoyed the book, but even more, I enjoyed the conversations I had with people about the ideas presented in Altared. Everyone comes to it with presuppositions, usually based on their particular marital status or life experience, but the discussion that flows from the theology offered in it is usually rich. I think the book makes an excellent contribution to the overall conversation of marriage and singleness, regardless of where one may fall on the spectrum.
Daniel :: Overall, I appreciated the intent of the message but wasn’t a fan of how that message was presented (i.e., their writing style, etc.).
Amy :: I think there is great need for a book like Altared. As someone who works with college students and does pre-marital counseling, I am well aware of the preconceived notions that are extremely common, and as a married woman I know that most of them are unrealistic to put on any one person. I wish I could make every woman I know read it.
What is your biggest takeaway from the book?
Don :: This book provided a lot of reinforcement to what I felt God already showing me, and some things I’d forgotten. Namely, that singleness is a gift given to us to be used to pursue Christ and serve the Church. While we are single, whether it be a season or a life-long status, we should focus on conveying the love of Christ with our actions as well as our words.
Jessica :: For me, I was further challenged on many aspects of what it means to be a disciple of Christ: loving God, our neighbor, sacrifice, and suffering. However, my biggest takeaway was probably in the discussion on what it truly means to deny ourselves. In modern evangelicalism today, we have watered that down to be “a convenient slogan” instead of a reality. “To love, we must give up our powerful expectations of fairness or reward.” It forced me to further peel back my fingers from their grip on my desires—namely the one for a spouse.
Daniel :: I think there is real value in the larger conversations which I assume the authors are trying to start:
A) Have Christians failed to live out the truth of “Love thy neighbor”?
B) Does the Church overemphasize marriage and ignore other teachings on singleness?
C) Has the Church missed the mark in teaching adolescents about love and self-denial?
Amy :: Living a life controlled by love. This is something that I have been working through for awhile, so this book really pushed me in places that I needed to be pushed. Not to reserve my sacrificial love for those who are closest to me, but to live the Jesus life of loving everyone unconditionally. I’m not even sure it’s possible, but I feel inspired to try.
Did you have any negative reactions to anything addressed in the book?
Don :: Toward the concepts, not really. The flow of the book kept throwing me off though. As soon as I’d get used to reading a story, I’d have to switch gears and process Theological teaching, and vice versa. It was good, I’m just not used to reading books in that format.
Jessica :: Although imperfect, I don’t think I had negative reactions. I did wrestle with a couple of ideas, but when I finished the book and took it as a whole, I felt like I understood the heart and intent behind it.
Daniel :: Well, sure. Anytime someone turns an unblinking, critical eye towards a fundamental part of how we see ourselves (e.g., how I live my life as a Christian), I think it’s human that our gut reaction is to be defensive. If we’re willing to look deeper and honestly answer for ourselves, “Why did I react that way?”, then that’s where the potential for growth lies.
Amy :: I wasn’t thrilled with how much they seemed to push marriage to the side. I understood the scriptures they were using, but the Bible as a whole seems to place marriage and family in a very important role. God has used family since the beginning of time to work out His purposes on earth. Marriage and family was the first institution set up by God, before church or government. Even our relationship to Christ is likened to marriage. I felt like they pushed that point to make it fit their purposes.
Did you find yourself wrestling with any ideas Claire and Eli wrote about?
Don :: Yeah, I wasn’t really sure where they were going with the idea of “loving the unlovely” in respect to relationships. True, as Christians, we should reach out to the least, the lost, and the lonely. But when it comes to relationships, I’m not sure how well this tracks. I mean, true, physical attraction shouldn’t be the pinnacle of importance for a Christian, but I don’t know anyone who would advise marrying someone you aren’t even attracted to. So, that bit confused me when I look at the two concepts together.
Jessica :: I’m not sure I’m on board with their thoughts in Chapter 4 on “Marriage in Christ’s Light.” I agree Jesus doesn’t seem too concerned with teaching us how to find romantic love; furthermore, in those romantic relationships, we’re often looking for a return on the investment of our love. But that section left me questioning what the alternative was. Marry just anyone? Don’t worry about vetting potential mates as long as they love the Lord? Where does attraction factor into the equation? I think they were making the point that we shouldn’t get so caught up in “selection” that it becomes our focus instead of Christ’s love, but it left me a bit perplexed.
Daniel :: I cannot fault any of the theological underpinnings of their argument, and honestly they didn’t present anything radically different than what I’ve heard in church my entire life: always put God first, deny yourself and pick up your cross to follow Him, love thy neighbor as yourself, etc.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea that sin is anything that separates us from God or, related to the ideas in this book, anything that divides our focus from Him. But, by that definition, what on this earth isn’t sin? The design of our very bodies prevent us from being able to focus on anything for more than, what, a few hours at a time? Honestly, can I focus on God equally as well when I am hungry as when my hunger is satisfied? As long as my soul is trapped in this hormone-soaked meat sack, my reactions and experiences will be driven by this vehicle. Am I making excuses or trying to justify my sin? No. Rather, once my soul is freed from this body, I’m curious of just how differently things will appear.
Amy :: I thought the point they made about how we hold up 1 Corinthians as a love book, but strategically leave out chapter 7 was a good one. It challenged me to go back and read it again with fresh eyes.
How do you think this book stacks up in comparison to other relationship books you’ve read?
Don :: Well, my extent of reading relationship books is about three chapters of Josh Harris’s I Kissed Dating Goodbye, about half of Boy Meets Girl, and I’m still working on Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage (which has been epic so far). So, given my experience, this book is in its own category.
Jessica :: I don’t think it necessarily deserves the “relationship” book label, which sounds funny considering it’s “the true story of a she, and a he, and how they both got too worked up about we.” But then, I don’t know what other category to put it in, so if I’m stacking it in comparison to the other “relationship” books I’ve read, this one rises to the top. I appreciate any book that pushes me to ponder my theology and question the status quo of my life; the same cannot be said of many relationship books geared toward singles. Altared definitely pushes the singleness and marriage discussion away from self and towards Christ.
Daniel :: I’m not sure I can offer an honest comparison: apples-to-oranges, and all that. I can’t say I’ve read other books on how NOT to get married. And the fact that they, admittedly, avoid giving any practical advice on how to apply their theories to daily life also makes it difficult to compare to other relationship books.
Amy :: I greatly identified with the discussion about youth groups, college ministries, and churches setting up young people to believe that marriage is the chief end of our lives and the cure for lustful thoughts. I think they hit the nail on the head that singleness was left out of the discussion unless you were “called to be single.” As I said in my first answer, there has been a great need for a book like this.
