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The Thing About Love…

February 28, 2013 by 17 Comments

Sarcasm is my love language. Bacon is my love language. Downton Abbey is my love language. Travel is my love language. Starbucks is my love language. Any others you want to add to the list?

Ever since Gary Chapman penned the book The 5 Love Languages in the 90’s it seems like it’s become an imperative to figure out what your “love language” is—both your real one and your humorous ones.

While everyone might not have actually read the book, the 5 Love Languages are easy to figure out from late night conversations with friends who have read the book because—and no disrespect to Mr. Chapman intended—it’s not exactly rocket science. However, the book itself has been a useful tool to help us understand how we both give and receive love. The terms, “quality time,” “words of affirmation,” “physical touch,” “acts of service,” or “gifts” make regular appearances in DTRs and even arguments.

Note: If you’ve never heard of The 5 Love Languages, and it seems like we’re speaking Greek or something, check out this useful online tool on the book’s site. You can answer questions and discover your love language(s). The tool is also helpful for those of us who think we know what our love languages are but have never read the book. There is also another online assessment on the site that might be worth your time, too. It measures your Apology Language. (Ouch.)

So, all of this Love Language stuff got us thinking…

When it comes to singles, it’s good to know what our love language is and how we are most prone to show love towards others, but is that it? Is that all we need to know? Because, well, if you’re single, it’s not like you’re on the receiving end of love, right?

This isn’t a promotional plug, but you could go read Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages: Singles Edition where he addresses how your marital status has nothing to do with your need to feel loved. You are loved. You receive love every day from your family, friends, church community, and others.

There are some days, of course, when loneliness creeps in and you might feel like nobody likes you, everyone hates you, and you guess you should go eat worms, but then you remember how Satan is a deceiver and the Truth prevails. (Thank goodness. We hear worms are disgusting.)

We talk a lot on SingleRoots about being intentional with your time while we’re single. We challenge ourselves to pour out our lives for others, to not sit and wallow in self-pity, to dig deeply into the Word and prayer and community. It’s been our mission from the beginning, and it will continue to be.

But we were also wondering how, as a single, the Lord meets your need for love from other people? Okay, so you’re not in a romantic relationship. But you still need to be reminded that you are loved, to hear it from people, and to have them show it to you.

What does this look like in your life, especially in regards to your primary love language?

How is the Lord providing people in your life who will share words of affirmation with you, who serve you, who spend quality time with you, who give you gifts, or who physically touch you? (Those last two might’ve been a bit awkward to write.)

But actually, those last two, if they’re your primary love languages, we’re especially curious about how that’s working out for you. Because we know that people probably aren’t lining up at your door to give you little gifts every day. And we also know that while physical touch doesn’t just mean intimacy, when you’re single, living alone, and not in a relationship, you could go days without having actual physical contact with another human being.

Yes, at the end of the day, we know that Christ is sufficient and He alone is more than enough for all of us. However, we also know He uses others in our lives to show us His love and remind us of it.

What is your Love Language? How are you seeing that need being met in your life apart from a romantic relationship?

 

Photo credit:  dmshafi

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  • http://www.facebook.com/carriebethdavis carrie beth davis

    My top two are quality time and physical touch. I used to really think I was words of affirmation… but then I realized that was more of the love language that I tended to give and not necessarily receive. (I think it ties directly to my spiritual gifts, but hey… that’s another conversation for another day.)

    As a single who has recently returned to her itty-bitty-teenie-tiny hometown, I’ve really struggled in feeling “love” in the area of quality time. I moved from a place where I was surrounded by friends, had a roommate, was close in proximity to my best friends, etc. i was oozing quality time! :) Now I’m in an area where I can count my single friends on one hand. If I think really hard about it. Haha. I don’t have a whole lot of quality time with friends anymore, and that’s really, really, REALLY hard for me. I have to make a conscious effort to have “phone dates” with my best friends to help make this transition easier. I have always been close to my family, so they’ve really stood in the gap for me in this area. I find myself gravitating toward them in an effort to get some of that quality time I need. I teach high school, and I spend a LOT (no, really… a LOT) of my extra time around teenagers. If it’s not my One Act/Drama Club kids, it’s show choir. And if it’s not either of those, it’s the youth at church. It’s awesome to me how God has taken my love for teenagers and placed me in situations where I am able to spend a whole lot of quality time with them… giving and receiving. He’s really used them to meet this area of need in my life.

    As for physical touch… I’m not talking hand holding or cuddling or any of that romantic nonsense. For me, it’s as simple as someone quickly rubbing my back (which I know still might sound a bit odd), resting their hand on my shoulder if they’re standing beside or behind me (once again… odd), giving me a hug, or using their hands when they’re talking to get my attention. Yeah. That just sounds like a great big ball of odd. Y’all know what I’m talking about though??? I would say this area is not really met a whole lot in my life right now, but every once in a while, I’ll get a friend or someone who speaks this language and is able to give.

    • http://www.singleroots.com/ Jessica Bufkin

      Re: the teenagers

      Now that I’m working with college students again, I get hugs all the time, and it’s making me more conscious to give more hugs. I didn’t realize how much I had kinda pushed them to the side and reserved them more for special occasions (family, seeing an old friend, etc.). Not sure how that happened, but I’m back to hugging it out with tons of people now. And, yes, no matter how we write this…it still sounds bizarre. ;)

      Thanks for sharing!

      • http://www.facebook.com/carriebethdavis carrie beth davis

        I’m GLAD you’re becoming a hugger! Haha! :)

  • Stacy

    mine are #1 quality time and #2 physical touch. my first clinic after residency was 15 minutes from my hometown but after being gone 11 years I knew no one except my mom and her language is definitely not QT. so as an introvert it was easy for me to become a hermit. so those 3 years God met those needs through time with Him tho I live in the south so I did get sweet hugs from patients at times :) my closest friend was my nurse and she’s a doer along the lines of the energizer bunny so QT is not her thing!
    4 years ago I moved to my college town and God met my needs from the start thru my “adoptive family” with whom I lived for 6 months before buying my house. my “mom” is a hugger. she would hug the cashier at Walmart if the conveyor belt wasn’t in the way! but I love it! my “dad” and I would sit and watch CSI or NCIS reruns and he would imitate the red headed guy on the Miami one every time so that was our QT. love them both and still see them at least once a week. I go to a smaller church now and have a great community including a ladies bible study weekly. one of the sweetest friends I have, I met there and she’s definitely a hugger so I don’t remember the last time I felt unloved or even lonely here. He has provided immeasurably more than all I asked or imagined!
    as a giver, i’m more likely to affirm because encouragement is one of my spiritual gifts and i also like to give gifts but i don’t need to be on the receiving end of either of those love languages :)

    • http://www.singleroots.com/ Jessica Bufkin

      @facebook-46200863:disqus touched on it, too, but spiritual gifting does factor into this–especially in the “giving” part. And I love reading how God sustained you in the times when there aren’t many people around.

      Thanks for sharing, friend!

  • TransformingWords

    Well, sometimes I feel like sarcasm really is my legit love language, and I certainly feel very loved among my friends at The Village.

    That said, it’s probably more accurate to say that it’s “quality time,” or more importantly “quality conversation.” I could spend hours with someone without interference, but if there’s no real talk, no sharing what God has put on our hearts, no examining gospel implications…then I feel about the same toward the person as before spending several hours doing something that may have been pointless. Don’t get me wrong, I love movie nights where everyone gets together and watches good movies. Emphasis on “good.” But I find that if there’s a choice, I’ll usually go to that type of an event where I know I’ll also find conversation, or with people I already have that type of dialogue with and already feel legitimate brotherly affection.

    That said, I live alone. Some days it sucks, and some days it’s the greatest thing ever. I’m sure I’d say the same if I had a roommate. So, I find that I have to be more intentional in making those conversations happen and developing those friendships. Especially in a mixed gender home group, because we can’t always use that time to drill deep into Scripture or really share our hearts. And that’s ok. It just makes the need to be intentional even more vital.

    • http://www.singleroots.com/ Jessica Bufkin

      “Well, sometimes I feel like sarcasm really is my legit love language…” Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s mine, too.

      And I’m with you on the conversations. I’m a quality time person, too, and no one likes to have more fun than me, but I can only do surface-y conversation for so long. I have to be intentional about that with some people, too. Not many, but some.

      Thanks for sharing, Don!

  • Shorrine

    my love language is physical touch and God has placed me in a close immediate family and church family and they are “huggers”. My nieces and nephew are very affectionate as well, so i’m just surrounded by love in the form of physical touch. And the one about gifts is not my primary love language but God will a lot times put me on someones heart and they have a gift for me out of the blue and it makes me feel loved.

  • CC

    It sounds weird to talk about, but if you’re a “physical touch” person you know exactly what it means. QT and PT are my big ones and sometimes I have to just say, “I need a hug.” Or identify the people in my life who are also the PT type and make the most of that connection. I am a hugger myself so I’m always touching someone (sigh. It’s just going to sound weird.). I don’t understand how you can love someone and not touch them, but that’s how I’m wired.
    It’s the same thing with QT: like, if you love someone, you want to be with them. I think this is a bigger struggle for me personally than even the touch thing because people(myself included) are busier now than ever before and it feels like a lot to ask for someone’s undivided attention.

  • the Blah Blah Blahger

    Great post! My top two love languages are WOA and Gifts. When my friends spend time with me and when we share and open up, I try to recognize their own love languages and how they are showing love to me. When they affirm me, it recharges me. And on birthdays or Christmas, when I see the thoughtfulness of their gifts (even if they’re small and inexpensive), I know that they really know me, love me, and are thinking of me. And it brings me so much joy!

  • Adriane Christensen

    I am originally from WA but moved to middle TN about 3 1/2 years ago. In these last 3 1/2 years, the Lord has surrounded me with a community of people to show me what it is to live life together and be a representation of the love of Jesus. These people know me and still love me…and because they know me, they know HOW to love me. They’re not overwhelmed when I want to just BE with them, even if that means coming over the fold laundry or tagging along to the grocery store. I never had relationships like that at home and I am so thankful the Lord filled that place in my life…even if I didn’t necessarily know it was missing.

    But as wonderful as these people are, the way I have felt the most loved is through children. There is one family, in particular, who have 4 children and I have essentially helped raise them. Regardless of good day or bad day, when I walk in that door, they are happy to see me, without fail. They hug on me and love on me and have short memories of the not so pretty moments I may have. Especially as a single person, I’ve learned to kind of shut off my need for hugs and physical touch…but they more than make up for it when they crawl in my lap to watch a movie before bed. In their innocence and purity, they are simply expressing how they feel without shame. But to me, they are ministering to a sometimes weary heart.

  • Lindsay

    My love language is physical touch, and yes, because I am single and live alone, I often go a long time without any appropriate, loving touch. I do have many dear friends, however, who encourage me and pay attention to the little things I like, and serve me in other ways. One of my best friends is great about sending me handwritten letters every now and then, because she knows that I absolutely love getting “real mail.” Another close friend has really invited me into her family life, because she knows that I hate being excluded from our peers at church, who often overlook me (totally subconsciously) for other married-with-children friends and activities. This means a lot! So, all in all, I do think the whole love language thing is great, but I’m just thankful for everything my friends do to show me love. I’ll gladly take whatever they give, and I hope I do the same for them! :)

  • Jeff

    I loved the line about SingleRoots existing, in part, to remind us singles to live intentionally! Those I know from the SingleRoots staff are living (and have lived) this out.

  • http://twitter.com/canta_amor Brooke Wesson

    I think since physical touch is my 2nd, that can make loneliness feel more palpable, but one of the remedies that I could recommend for singles who have this as their top – be around kids and animals a lot, and find a good same sex friend who has this as their love language. babysitting regularly is balm to me, cuz kids are naturally affectionate and liberal with their touch. they aren’t self-conscious like adults. most of them like to be hugged and cuddled in an appropriate way and they reciprocate. now this may sound strange, but I do have a lot of married with kids friends whose kids I adore, so it’s a lot of fun for me to hang out with their kids and get mommy training too. I think children are so precious and many singles miss out on a gold mine of authentic love and purposeful selflessness when they offer their services to their married friends.

    • http://Leeleewrites.com/ Leelee

      Exactly.

  • Nicole M.

    I would say my love language is quality of time. That is the main way I give and receive love. I have a host of friends and church fam whom I spend time with as well as my mom. Its also (most days) a blessing that in this season I’m living with my best friend so there’s someone to come home to at night, and have random small talk with while getting dressed for work. If I’m not talking to her I’m getting a text or phone call at 8am from one of my friends. Usually throughout the day I’m reminded that, “I am loved”. Someone is thinking about me, loves me and wants to connect with me. And of course, social media helps with that :-) But I understand that some singles don’t have this type of community. Heck, some married folks don’t! So I’m grateful for it and have to remind myself to share it with others. You know, not be so click-ish :-) I’m not a big physical touch person but I can count on a hug once a wk at church and being smothered with kisses from my mom when we meet up (yes, I’m almost 30 and she still does this). I think the best gifts I’m receiving in this season is when my friends clean out their closets. Hand-Me-Downs are the best!!

  • Denise

    I was thinking about how I was feeling loved even before I read this post! I blogged about the ways I’ve been seeing my need for love be met – http://bmotd.wordpress.com/2013/03/02/languages-of-love/